More Than Thankful (by Ryan Bahler)

More Than Thankful

Words are not enough to thank the amount of people who helped Amanda and I, and what it means to us that you all would give, love, serve and support us through the most difficult time of our lives. I am amazed by all of you, from the ones who would just text a simple but meaningful "I love you", to everyone who sent wonderful flowers and cards, to everyone who encouraged us, gave us advise, and lifted us up with kind words and scripture, to everyone who was diligently praying for us, to everyone who prepared and delivered us delicious meals, to everyone who donated their hard earned money to help us with all the medical bills, and to all who were there for Amanda in many ways, while she fought through the battle of cancer.

Through the battle, I hope you all know how much you helped her fight and stay strong, even though it seemed she was a natural at it and did it with such grace. She didn't do it alone, it was our Lord and Savior who shined so brightly through her and all the glory is given to Him. I can't imagine how we could have gone through that fight without all of you and our God, who was always there to help us and guide us through it all.

Then came the day Amanda left us all to be with our Lord in heaven. Losing her is beyond difficult, beyond words, beyond...

I am thankful that The Lord has her now, that she is free of this world, and she is rejoicing in heaven. I am thankful for the staff of University Fellowship, for what you stand for, the love you give us, and all you've done to help us. I am thankful for all my family, friends, the body of the church, to everyone who have helped and are continuing to help me get through this. Most of all I thank you Lord, you know my heart and I will always follow you!

Finally, I thank you all who helped with Amanda's Memorial Service! Once again I am amazed by all of you who came together and helped create a beautiful memorial service that celebrated Amanda's life and glorified God. Many people made this happen including Amanda's family, a lot of friends, UFC, and many volunteers. You all worked so hard through a difficult time and I thank you from the bottom of my heart and appreciate all that you've done. I am also thankful to all of you who came, for all the kind, wise and loving words and support, for the wonderful cards and flowers, and to all who donated to us or to Amanda's favorite charity. I am so thankful and overwhelmed wondering how I can repay you all, but I thank the wise words of a friend, "You'll know when it's time and who to help and when it comes just pay it forward to those in need."

I love you all and God Bless,

Ryan Bahler

Amanda's Memorial Service

In Memoriam

___________________________________

Amanda Nicole Bahler

1984 - 2014

Please join us in the celebration of Amanda Bahler's life. 

Amanda's wishes us to celebrate how great the Lord is, 

that she is with Him now, and to remember fun memories of her time on earth. 

Saturday, the second of August 

at two o'clock

South Eugene High School

400 E. 19th

Eugene, Oregon

Dancing with Jesus

As the sun is shining and the sky is clear, we, Amanda's family, are together to write this final blog of her recent journey.  The last blog post was about Amanda and Ryan's time in the mountains together.  After a refreshing weekend, with prayer, quite time as a couple, and a real time of reconnection as husband and wife, she returned to Eugene for the first round of the new chemo treatment.  The great news about this new second-line chemo, for Amanda, was less side effects, specifically, she wouldn't lose her newly growing hair!!  What a treat to have eyebrows again, a real moment of joy.  Days after starting this new round of chemo, Amanda was very short of breath and taken to the hospital for assistance.  They gave her an oxygen tank, and we all laughed at her humor as she said: "no, it's not a space age personal vacuum, or even a party in a can, it's even better!!  It is Oxygen to keep me dancing!"  The next morning, Amanda woke early, and in pain.  After an attempt at pain management through her meds, her doctors upped the dosage.  Unfortunately, this new amount of medication, combined with her physical feelings, began causing her alarm.  Something wasn't right.  After resting for a few hours, Ryan noticed that her left side was unresponsive, and her speech was slightly slurred.  It was clear that Amanda had just had a stroke.  She was taken back to the hospital, and on Saturday, July 12, she was admitted into the hospital, and began the process of recovery from the stroke.  While this may seem like such a setback, Amanda was so ready to fight, fight, fight.  After a few tears, she made the decision to start Occupational and Physical Therapy.  She wasn't going to let a stroke stop her from fighting.  As the days progressed, so did her progress.  She loved showing us her new tricks and different ways she was regaining use of her left side.  She would tell us, with laughter, that she felt like a lame horse, dragging her left foot.  It was so wonderful watching her recovery, and her sense of humor, during a time that would make most of us want to quit.  During her recovery, she loved to walk the trails around the hospital, through the trees and along the river  (usually sitting in her wheelchair, with Ryan at the "wheel").  While Ryan would attempt to take her down the paved paths, Amanda would often request the narrow side dirt trails.  After a brief warning from Ryan that the wheelchair didn't have "shocks," he would power on down the dirt trail, and they would bump their way along.  Amanda loved these adventures!

While Amanda continued to improve through her daily Physical and Occupational Therapy, the looming issue was still in the back of our minds...what is the new, second-line chemo doing?  Is it effective?  What is the next step?  Amanda's Oncology Dr., Dr. Lee, was on vacation, and Amanda was connected with Dr. Cho.  He was everything she needed, communicating clearly, and compassionately loving on Ryan, Amanda, and Amanda's family.  She was pushing hard to continue her chemo, and, after some resistance, he told her he would do a CT scan, to determine what, if anything, the chemo was doing.  The CT scan would make clear the next steps.  On Saturday, July 19, Amanda had a CT scan, and we all anxiously awaited the results.  The next morning, July 20, Dr. Cho came in with the results.  The cancer had at least doubled since her previous scan on June 19.  It had moved into other organs, including her kidneys, liver, and brain.  The news was tragic.  Dr. Cho took all the time the family needed, showing comparisons from previous scans, and talking through the reality of what it meant...Amanda would not leave the hospital again.

We had been working in the background with Hospice in anticipation of her return home.  Ryan began clearing out the dining room for a bed, and her constant care.  Amanda and Ryan were heartbroken that they could not be home.  The reality, however, was that she needed pain management only the hospital could provide.  During that meeting with Dr. Cho on Sunday morning, he did something that blew everyone away.  Dr. Cho has been working very hard to bring new cancer treatments and clinical trials to Eugene, focusing on t-cell immunotherapy, in the fight against cervical cancer.  He told Amanda he would be honored if she would allow him to name his new project "Amanda Bahler Program at the Willamette Valley Cancer Institute."  She said yes.  Dr. Cho has been quick to point out that there are still many hoops to jump through to get this new program started, but we are so humbled by his request and intentions.  We told Dr. Cho how thankful we were that he was pioneering this new therapy, to which he replied: "Amanda pioneered this therapy, she was supposed receive this treatment in Maryland."

As the reality set in for us, Amanda refused to give up!  She would not be beaten by this cancer!  It was time for "treatment" to stop, and move only to comfort care.  She would not stop, and requested that Physical Therapy continue.  Her nights were getting to be difficult, as the hospital staff worked to help manage her pain.  The affects of the cancer were moving quickly at this point, and she was struggling to breath through the pain.  In the midst of these past few days, she was able to receive visitors and brightened whenever anyone came to see her.  There were always at least three people in the room with her, including her parents, siblings, and Ryan.  In the midst of the pain, we saw beauty in so many things.  On Wednesday, she wanted to go on a few walks.  She was taken down to the gift shop, where she perused different items, and talked about which items should be on the "maybe" list for purchasing.  Early on Wednesday evening she wanted to go on another walk, but this time, out of her hospital gown.  Ryan spent time dressing her so she could be in "normal" clothes.  She then requested earrings, which her sister Jill quickly removed from her own ears and place in Amanda's.  She was so beautiful.  True to form, the paved paths weren't enough, and we were all soon following Ryan and Amanda down the bumpy dirt paths.  She wanted pictures, lots of them.  Wednesday night was pretty difficult, and by Thursday morning it was determined that she needed better pain management.  She was no longer able to eat or drink, and with the new meds, she was finally able to rest.    Throughout the day, she had a few visitors, and would wake up and have great interactions with them.  She even showed some of her "tricks," which included lifting and waving her left hand.  While she slept, we began to realize that she was fairly unresponsive.  We were assured by the hospital staff that she could hear us, and soon realized how true it was.  Ryan never stopped telling Amanda how much he loved her, and at one point, Ryan wrapped his arms around her and told her again how much he loved her.  We saw that she could hear us, as she reached out and placed her right hand on him...even at this point, she was comforting others.

By Friday morning, July 25, it was clear that Amanda was beginning to slip away.  We spent the morning worshiping with her, reading scripture and praying.  As Friday continued, her breathing became labored.  It was a challenge, as a family, to know her time was close.  While we did not want to let go, we wanted her to be free of pain, and in the arms of her Savior.  We continued to play guitar, worship, and pray...Amanda loved worship.  Ryan and the rest of us told her it was okay for her to let go and run to the waiting arms of Jesus.  Around 6:30, Friday evening, her brother Glen was able to join us, and it seemed as if she had been waiting for his arrival.  We sang some more worship songs, and held her.  Just after 7 PM, she opened here eyes.  She looked directly at us, and we were able to tell her how much we loved her...it was clear that she was ready to leave us.  With her family surrounding her, holding her, and telling her it was okay to leave, we all sang "Jesus Loves Me" to her (such a significant song from her childhood).  Ryan held her so close in these moments, listening to each heartbeat.  She was knit together in her mother's womb, the doctor handed her to her dad at birth, her dad gave her to Ryan on her wedding day...Ryan heard her last heartbeat, and got to give her to Jesus.  She was free, and in the arms of her Savior at 7:10.

It is a time of great sorrow, and yet, we know with confidence that Amanda is free from pain and dancing in Heaven's streets of gold.  Amanda wanted each of you to share in this journey, and we, her family, cannot thank you enough for all of your support, love, financial contributions, and prayers.  She loved you, even those of you she never met.  She leaves a legacy in this world that we are all so proud of.  Amanda was funny, she was a lover, she was a fighter, she was passionate and full of compassion, she was beautiful.

As you can imagine, we are still working through tears to make decisions.  We have not yet set a time or date for her service, but we will be sure everyone knows what the plan is, as we know.

Amanda Nicole Bahler
March 28, 1984 - July 25, 2014

Thank you!
Ryan, Gary, Karen, & Family

 Amanda with her mother and sister Kjrstin

 Amanda with her sister Jill and Ella

 Amanda with her Dad, Ryan and Mom

 Jill helping with a pop of color

 A much needed dog visit

Off-Road wheelchair adventures

 My True Love

Last Option: Second-line Chemo Starts Tomorrow

Remember how Dr. Lee gave me those three options a while back? Well, now the only option left is to  try what they call second-line chemo, which means that the first chemo didn't work.  The chemo drug they will be starting me on is called Alimta, which is actually pretty cool because one of my blog followers said that that is what finally worked for her!  I'm praying for the same results!

I am both excited and scared to start tomorrow.  I'm excited because it's a step forward, a moving direction.  Lately, I feel like my treatment plans have been stagnant yet my cancer is noticeably growing each day.  I'm scared because this is it.  If my body does not respond to this treatment, the only other thing that could heal me would be a miracle from God.  So it's scary to know that my life has come to this....two options.....two choices.....two ways it could all go down.  It's very odd, so like I said, I am both excited and scared.

I pray each morning "God, thank you for today. God give me strength for today. God let me fight today."  I need to be reminded of that each day because I realized that sometimes the pain overcomes my body to the point where I don't think I can make it or "fight" anymore.....but I CAN and the Lord CAN give me strength if I call upon Him in those darkest moments.  I can feel the cancer growing, as I've mentioned in the past several posts.  I am on two different time released pain killers, but it's still not enough,  I'm still having to take break through pills on a regular basis to be able to function.  Lately it feels like my chest/lung area is one big cement block.  There is no room for my breath to come in or out.  When I cough, which my coughing fits have increased greatly, it is SOOOO painful because of this cement block!! I have to hold my right arm in a certain way in an attempt to lessen the pain of the cement block pressing against my shoulder blade.  Also, when I cough, the tumors and lymph nodes in my neck and pelvic area bulge out at each cough.

Last week I made two trips to the ER and they were even on the same day! The first was because of a coughing attack that left me breathless....I literally could not breath-gasping for air-but nothing could break through the mucus in my airway, my throat felt like it was closing up.  This is the 3rd time this has happened so we decided to go to the ER, where the DR. gave me an inhaler to help open up my airways.  It seems to be working....but it's hard to tell.  Then later that evening, Ryan returned home from his hospital stay (3 days for bowel obstruction that thankfully moved on it's own)  He was only home for a few hours, when I was walking out of the bathroom and suddenly my left leg felt very strange, it was hard for me walk, so I sat down and then my entire left arm went numb with pins & needles....I knew something was really wrong so I instructed my brother to call 911.  After the ambulance ride and a head CT scan & MRI, as well as an ECKO on my heart, they believe I had a minor stroke!! Which is crazy, because: 1. I'm on blood thinners 2. I have the IVC filter in.  So no one can really explain it, but they see something in my brain that is not cancer and looks like a stroke would, so along with the symptoms I had, it's pretty clear it was a minor stroke.

Everyone now realizes the gravity of the situation,  especially Ryan & I.  That is why we choose to take a week to escape together.  We were blessed to be able to use a wonderful and secluded cabin right on Odell Lake.  It was so quite, so peaceful, so beautiful to be in the middle of God's creation.  It was perfect!  Ryan and I connected in ways that we have not been able to do in a while.  We cried with each other, we cried out to the Lord, we gave praises and asked for healing.  We cuddled and laughed and just smiled at each other for no reason other than the fact that we were in the most beautiful spot and were sitting next to the most beautiful soul.  The trip filled us up for the coming weeks.  We will need to have every once of our body ready to fight!  Please join me in prayer for strength for my body during these chemo treatments and to not give up this fight-to endure and perservere, to find joy in the storm, to choose love each moment, and to praise His name during the dark hours.

I am ready to fight.
I am ready to love.
I am ready to accept God's plan.

The fire was our "fireworks" for the 4th. We did however get to see an unreal amount of bats flying around which made things just as exciting as watching a big show. 

The most special time over our trip was when we boated out to the middle of the lake in a secluded area, anchored down and just "were" Just to be still and know that He is God. 

Not accepted and other bad news

Last Monday night there was a prayer & worship service gathering to lift up myself and others that are sick in our church.  The time was so sweet and intimate with the Lord and loved ones all around.  We even skyped in family members and friends that were not able to physically be there.  It was the most special time that I will never forget, it meant a lot to Ryan and family to see all the support and love the UFC continually gives in abundance.  My favorite part was  worship, singing aloud to my great God......it was very very special.  It was a perfect way to send off Ryan and I, as we left early the next morning to Maryland.  The flight went pretty well surprisingly, I wasn't in much pain and slept most of the time.  On Wednesday, I had just enough energy to do some sight seeing around DC....I mean how could we have been that close and not gone out to see such important history!

Ryan was so sweet and arranged everything, we got a 3 hour personal tour in a fancy brand new Mercedes Benz....I felt like a celebrity!! We were able to catch the major monuments at the National Mall, before headed back. It was perfect.  I loved seeing Ryan so filled with excitement and joy as we both could be cheesy tourists together.  I'll post some pictures below. That day ended with a brilliant lightning storm right outside of our hotel.  It was so awesome!!  I kept thinking how mighty and powerful our God is, and singing a song (I think I made up) "did you hear the thunder roaring...." Im pretty sure the lyrics are different-but it seemed appropriate :)

Everything about the screening went well, NIH is a wonderful place with very friendly staff, we felt welcomed and cared for.  We were there all day, and the last part of the screening was to meet with the Clinical Associate and then the Attending Physician.  After having all our questions answered and  having the study explained to us, the Clinical Associate said she'll be right back with the Attending Physician after they look over my CT scan to pick out which tumor would be best to remove for harvest of the cells.  She was only gone a few minutes when they both returned and the Attending Physician said he had bad news.  After reviewing my CT scan and comparing it to the CT scan I just had done on the 18th (only 8 days prior) that the cancer was growing at such a rapid rate in my lungs that I was not a good candidate for the study.

The news was devastating to us both, and the rest of the day was filled with tears, hugs and a lot of I Love Yous.  We talked about the reality of a sooner death then originally thought.  We talked about how far we wanted to go to find a solution.  We talked about my quality of life I have in these current days and wanting to make sure they are without pain. We talked about God, and how we will trust in His sovereign plan-no matter what.  We also know that I am not without hope, and I am not without fight.  Even now as I right this, I feel pretty "normal" and I can't comprehend that something is killing my body more and more each day.  So bottom line is that we are not giving up and will look for another door to open, but in the meantime, making the most of each moment we have together.

I am in a lot of pain these days and could tell the cancer was growing by the way my body was experiencing pain, seems like each day there is a new spot.  I just recently started a better pain management plan, but it will need to be adjusted.  I'm going to request new radiation spots to help my pain as well.  Besides the pain, my cough is the biggest issue.  I have horrible coughing fits, where a lot of gunk is coming out-I'm assuming mucus from the tumors.  Well this mucus feels like it rises up in my lungs then gets to the point where I feel it block my airway and have a deep, violent cough until it comes up, and these last anywhere from 2-10 minutes.  They come from no where too, it's not like it only happens after I'm being active, I can be sitting on the couch for an hour then-boom-it hits.  Like I said this is the most concerning, as there are sometime where I feel like I literally cannot breath because the mucus is too thick to have air break through.  However, when I'm not having a coughing fit, I am fine, so it's very up and down....front and back....side to side....it is pretty much is a tornado! Haha. We will see Dr. Jae Lee on Wednesday to discuss what's next.

I want to make known an opportunity for you to help Ryan & I during this time that is also tax deductible.  My Pastor wrote it best on his weekly email, so I"ll just copy & paste it here....

"I spoke with Amanda yesterday, and unfortunately she was not accepted into the T-Cell trial, the cancer in her lungs is growing too rapidly for the trial to be effective.  This is difficult news to process, for all of us, but especially for her UFC co-workers.  She and Ryan will be flying home today, please keep them in your prayers, and do be praying for our team.  I’m not sure what comes next, but wanted to keep you informed.

As you can imagine, the financial burden during this time has been heavy for Ryan and Amanda.  The elders have established a “benevolent fund” allowing us to step up and help with these needs.  If you would like to contribute to their needs, make your check payable to UFC and note it to Amanda."

University Fellowship Church

25 W. 25th Ave 

Eugene OR 97405

OR if you are tech savvy you can donate online through UFC's online payment system.  You'll need to sign up for The City and make sure you add your address to your profile to ensure you get your tax receipt.  If you don't have checks I assume you are able to navigate your way through the website and instructions  pretty easy.

Here is the link:   https://universityfellowship.onthecity.org/login?seshReset=true

• Create an account
• Add your address to your profile
• Go to "Giving" tab
• Donate

We both woke up Friday morning knowing it's a new day with new mercies and new opportunities.  Not getting accepted is old news now ;)  But the tornado isn't over yet...On the day of our departure Ryan started to feel a little sick.  By the time we made it to LA for our layover, his stomach was in a lot of pain.  And if you have known Ryan over the past year, you know where this is headed.....Ryan had another bowel obstruction.  Our flight from LA to PDX was horrible, he was in full blown bowel obstruction episode, we got escorted off the plane first because of his medical emergency.  Ryan made the decision to get to Eugene's ER/Hospital so he can be close. So I drove us to Eugene and dropped him off at the ER where he was quickly admitted.  He is still there and showing signs on improvement.  A quick lesson on bowel obstructions....Ryan has a history...they can either move on their own (with the help of an NG tube and other meds at the hospital) or they can be removed through surgery.  Over the past year, both of these things have happened to Ryan.  Last August he underwent a massive surgery to remove multiple obstructions, and just in February he was admitted for 4 days but that obstruction was able to pass on it's own.  The second option is what we are hoping for, and he is already making good progress.  We hope he will be released tomorrow!! Praise the Lord.

God is still good, no matter what God is good!  We saw little blessings even in the 2nd part of the tornado...too many to list....or maybe I"m just done typing ;)

Option 1: Step 1

Praise The Lord! Today I got a call from NIH, inviting me to there clinic for a screening. YES!!!!  This is the first step to being accepted, so Thursday the 26th I'll be there from 8:30-4:30 getting screened. (which means they will run some of their own scans, lab work, and we'll get to know each other to see if I am a good fit for their trial)  I'll know fairly quickly after Thursday if I'm accepted or not.  Prayers for that screening and that the doctors like what they see :)

An update on other things....my radiation is going well.  My lower back pain is still there but it's not the sharp pain like it was.  However, in a matter of a two weeks the spot in my buttocks is now hurting to the point I can't sit in one position too long.  Also I noticed a new weird pain down my left arm, after a few days I reported it to Dr. Haidy Lee (my radiologist doctor) she then talked it over with Dr. Jae Lee (my oncologist) and they decided to prescribe me a nerve blocker, because what I was experiencing was my lymph nodes swelling to the point they were pinching a nerve.  That medicine worked immediately! However, no sooner then that pain went away, did my left shoulder and neck area start really hurting.  In a matter a 5 days I was in VERY bad pain, so on Monday I discussed this with Dr. Haidy Lee, and she explained the cancer was growing.....sigh.....if in 5 days this is happening, what is going on in other areas of my body?!  So I will start radiation on my neck & clavicle next week to help with the pain.

Ryan and I are taking our time and enjoying each other, trying to slow down and take in each moment and go on small adventures when we can.  Ryan will accompany me on the screening.  At times like these, I realize how much God is in control, from the city we live in, to the places we work, my doctor and the WVCI team, to our church body, family and friends, it's been so humbling the outpouring of help in all forms that is being offered.

We are blessed.
God is good.
No matter what, God is good!


That's all for tonight, I'm in pain and tired-time for a bath :)

This is the syfy spaceship machine that I visit everyday, I named him Norman. 

3 Options

Short and sweet update-with some good news actually!!

Today Dr.Lee outlined 3 options for next steps...

#1 National Institute of Health: Clinical Trial.  All my records have already been sent in for review, and we are waiting to hear back if I qualify or not.  One of Dr. Lee's current nurses used to work at NIH, so hopefully that will work in our favor! The best part is that this trial is because of a grant, so that means treatments would be free!! WOW!  This is the best option, so prayers that I qualify for this. Oh, it is in Maryland so their would be details to work out, but I'm more then willing to go sight seeing.


#2 Foundation One Medicine.  This is where they send a sample of my blood and it gets tested for mutations and genetic stuff (pardon my lack of medical terms...) If they find a mutation, they then search for any new medicine that is our there for me to try.  This would most likely be very expensive.  My blood work will be sent there this week so they can start de-coding it or whatever.

#3 After my 3 weeks of radiation is done, start chemo again with new chemo drugs.  They do not want to do chemo at the same time as I'm getting radiation on my back/spine-I guess it would be a very dangerous combination.  Speaking of my radiation-I'm requesting they also do it to my left collar bone area as it is really hurting.

This is all very much in the unknown stage still-but at least it's some good options!!  I may get a call this week or in 3 weeks on if I've been accepted or not-so I'll keep you updated as appropiate.  At the end of our appointment, Dr Lee said we are in his prayers and he also wanted to tell me how much of an inspiration to him that I have been through this process-very humbling-so I wanted to in turn, thank you all for your prayers for my joy and strength that I have!