I am both excited and scared to start tomorrow. I'm excited because it's a step forward, a moving direction. Lately, I feel like my treatment plans have been stagnant yet my cancer is noticeably growing each day. I'm scared because this is it. If my body does not respond to this treatment, the only other thing that could heal me would be a miracle from God. So it's scary to know that my life has come to this....two options.....two choices.....two ways it could all go down. It's very odd, so like I said, I am both excited and scared.
I pray each morning "God, thank you for today. God give me strength for today. God let me fight today." I need to be reminded of that each day because I realized that sometimes the pain overcomes my body to the point where I don't think I can make it or "fight" anymore.....but I CAN and the Lord CAN give me strength if I call upon Him in those darkest moments. I can feel the cancer growing, as I've mentioned in the past several posts. I am on two different time released pain killers, but it's still not enough, I'm still having to take break through pills on a regular basis to be able to function. Lately it feels like my chest/lung area is one big cement block. There is no room for my breath to come in or out. When I cough, which my coughing fits have increased greatly, it is SOOOO painful because of this cement block!! I have to hold my right arm in a certain way in an attempt to lessen the pain of the cement block pressing against my shoulder blade. Also, when I cough, the tumors and lymph nodes in my neck and pelvic area bulge out at each cough.
Last week I made two trips to the ER and they were even on the same day! The first was because of a coughing attack that left me breathless....I literally could not breath-gasping for air-but nothing could break through the mucus in my airway, my throat felt like it was closing up. This is the 3rd time this has happened so we decided to go to the ER, where the DR. gave me an inhaler to help open up my airways. It seems to be working....but it's hard to tell. Then later that evening, Ryan returned home from his hospital stay (3 days for bowel obstruction that thankfully moved on it's own) He was only home for a few hours, when I was walking out of the bathroom and suddenly my left leg felt very strange, it was hard for me walk, so I sat down and then my entire left arm went numb with pins & needles....I knew something was really wrong so I instructed my brother to call 911. After the ambulance ride and a head CT scan & MRI, as well as an ECKO on my heart, they believe I had a minor stroke!! Which is crazy, because: 1. I'm on blood thinners 2. I have the IVC filter in. So no one can really explain it, but they see something in my brain that is not cancer and looks like a stroke would, so along with the symptoms I had, it's pretty clear it was a minor stroke.
Everyone now realizes the gravity of the situation, especially Ryan & I. That is why we choose to take a week to escape together. We were blessed to be able to use a wonderful and secluded cabin right on Odell Lake. It was so quite, so peaceful, so beautiful to be in the middle of God's creation. It was perfect! Ryan and I connected in ways that we have not been able to do in a while. We cried with each other, we cried out to the Lord, we gave praises and asked for healing. We cuddled and laughed and just smiled at each other for no reason other than the fact that we were in the most beautiful spot and were sitting next to the most beautiful soul. The trip filled us up for the coming weeks. We will need to have every once of our body ready to fight! Please join me in prayer for strength for my body during these chemo treatments and to not give up this fight-to endure and perservere, to find joy in the storm, to choose love each moment, and to praise His name during the dark hours.
I am ready to fight.
I am ready to love.
I am ready to accept God's plan.
The fire was our "fireworks" for the 4th. We did however get to see an unreal amount of bats flying around which made things just as exciting as watching a big show.
The most special time over our trip was when we boated out to the middle of the lake in a secluded area, anchored down and just "were" Just to be still and know that He is God.
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