Real Results

On Wednesday driving home from a lovely outside picnic dinner with friends, I noticed my left collar bone area felt weird...tight...or bulky....hard to put into words.  This was the same area that had been biopsied and tested positive for cancer, but in recent Dr. visits the node could not be felt, however this time when I was poking around, I felt something-about the size of a pea.  It wasn't in the exact same spot as where they biopsied but close by.  I wondered how long had it been there?  I had Ryan feel it too, at that point I think we both got a knot in our stomachs.  For the next morning was going to be the big reveal of the PET scan results, and for a pea size tumor to show up was not a good sign.

I don't think I can be shocked by bad news anymore, which I guess is a good thing, makes hearing it less dramatic and more of an acceptance.  The PET Scan results, did show that some of my original tumors had slightly shrank, however this good news was irrelevant because the scan also showed the cancer has spread.  New tumors showed up on my lower back on my spine, on my buttocks (weird), around my left collar bone and in my lungs.  The cancer is now in my blood stream and free to move wherever it wants.  Dr. Lee reiterated how aggressive this cancer is....that even during chemo the cancer was not phased...so we need a new plan!  We stopped chemo immediately, if it's not helping, then we want to preserve the good cells I do have by not putting them through chemo.  I will start radiation on Tuesday, I'll go everyday (M-F) for three weeks.  They are only doing radiation for the tumor on my spine since that is an area we do want it to grow and weaken the bone or interfere with my spinal cord--also it really hurts!! I thought I was just being a wuss, thought maybe I slept funny, but now it makes sense why my lower back feels like it's breaking.  Speaking of pains, my lungs can't fully expand because of the tumors so breathing is more difficult and painful and thats a little scary being that I need to breath!  The next step for fighting the cancer is to find a clinical trial that I qualify for and get into it asap!  Dr. Lee did call me after my apt. stating he found some promising new treatments that are specifically for HPV Cervical Cancer in the advanced stages.  It's immune system therapy, using my own T-cells to fight back.  There is a lot of stuff online right now about it because this past Monday at a big conference for American Cancer Society, a doctor revealed his new study.  I'll attach a link below.

I am requested prayers specifically that there is a study that will start soon and that I qualify for it, and of course that the treatment works.  I meet with Dr. Lee on Tuesday to discuss more about the clinical trials, so I'll have more information then.  As of now, I don't know too much about them....if I have to travel or not, where they are, how much they will be, does insurance cover it, lots of unknowns, kind of feels like we are back to square one. Ryan and I are doing OK.  It's discouraging, but we have hope still. It's very scary and more real then ever.  Prayers that we stay strong for each other and that we don't forget to live in each day.  That I laugh when I can, cry when I need and love more than I thought I could.  I have hope, I have faith and I have a whole bunch of fight left in me!!  My God is big and powerful and I will trust in Him during this journey.

That's all for now.

PS. Since I stopped chemo my hair will start growing back!! Yeppie for the little things :)

http://www.nbcnews.com/health/cancer/fighting-back-patients-own-immune-cells-tackle-cervical-cancer-n119286

The three large black things are my kidneys and bladder (not cancer) 

This is a front view, so you can't see all the new cancer (like the one on my spine)

#tbt....How it all began

#tbt (Throw Back Thursday)   I started this blog months after I first heard the word cancer, so unless you are in my personal circle here in Eugene, you may not know how I came to this spot.  So, I thought I'd explain it from the beginning to get everyone caught up.  Also, an update from my 4th round thus far.


First- a current status of me.  The weekend following my infusion was the worst!! Felt like I'd been run over by a semi truck.  However, come Monday, I was feeling good....not just ok....but actually good!! I haven't felt this "normal" since my first round, Praise The Lord!! I'm not sure what is going on, but it's been wonderful to feel alive, have energy to do stuff in the evenings, and throw on more then jeans and a hoodie!  I'll have my PET scan June 2nd and get the results on the 5th for my next infusion.   BTW (By The Way for those of you in the older crowd) one thing I noticed is that life is going by fast, when you measure your life in 3 week increments,  it flys by!! I can't believe it'll be my 5th round already next week, whoohooo!

Ok, in a small town of Eugene, there once was a girl name Amanda, who went in for her annual exam.....hahaha. But really, I was at my gyno's for a birth control refill, when they noticed I hadn't had my annual in 2 years-yikes-so I made an apt. that day.  I went in as normal, and it was kind of funny because there happened to be an intern that day, observing everything.  When the Dr. was taking a sample, she had the intern take a look at things and say something under her breath.  I thought that was kind of weird, but didn't think anything of it.  A few days later, I got a call that I had abnormal pap results and that I'd need to come in for a further biopsy.  (This is March or so 2013) A few weeks later I was back in the office, where they took a larger sample.  I was a little nervous because I knew  I had HPV, so I was at risk, but didn't think it could really be anything.  Now it's April, and I'm on a work retreat and get a phone call that the results came back-they told me they found Cervical Cancer. Wow, my world dropped. I was glad to be surrounded by my co-workers and pastor-my friends, we spent the evening in worship and prayer, it was a special night.   But there was a lot to figure out....it took 3 weeks before I could get into see a oncologist, specializing in gyno.  Once that apt. came, I learned of the different options to take, but first they needed to know if the cancer had spread or not.   So a few more weeks later I was scheduled for a cone biopsy.  July 11th I had the procedure done and a week later meet with Dr. Garrett (who also did the surgery)  The cone biopsy was a success-the margins came back clear!! However, it got a little confusing when she said, something along the lines of "you don't have cancer"  and I was like...well that's not what the first Dr. said.....so what I specifically had was adenocarcinoma istu.  That last little word istu, is where it gets tricky.  I guess it's a big debate in the Dr. world about whether to consider this cancer or just pre-cancer cells.  I was told the istu kinda means, that it's cancer cells-but they are dumb-they are just sitting there and don't know how to grow.  Thus the confusion of why I was told it was cancer and also it wasn't cancer.

At that point, I was just glad the margins came back clear!! I was told, the surgery went great, there was no need to worry and to come back in 6 months (I'd have to have exams every 6months now) So the next time I saw Dr. Garrett was Jan. 27th.  I remember when I went in, I was nervous because now that I was aware of my body and cervical cancer more-I had noticed that I was having symptoms such as night sweats, more discharge and feeling tired more often.  (I was normally a morning person-but over the last months noticed it was really hard to get out of bed, but I just thought I was going through a phase) But as she was doing the exam-she said everything looked great.  A few days later, Ryan and I were out celebrating his new job at dinner when I got a call from Dr. Garrett-they found adenocarcinoma istu again!! She was shocked, being that visually she couldn't see anything, I was not so shocked....I just had a feeling there was something going on.   My next apt. was a week or so later-I had been doing a lot of online research about it and was prepared with questions.  Dr. Garrett was ready to do a full hysterectomy, (that is the standard procedure for my case) but I had asked about a Trachelectomy-so I could still bear children.  She thought I should pursue that option with a specialist in Portland-Dr. Winter.  A few more weeks later, I was in Dr. Winter's office, where we discussed that option, he also wanted to do an exam, and while doing so felt the need to take yet another biopsy-which made me a little nervous.  Because of what he saw during the exam, he wanted to have an MRI done, because he needed to see what was left of my cervix to even know if a Trachelectomy was possible.....and on almost a whim....he said "well, let's go ahead and have a PET scan too"  WOW that decision saved my life!!  Now A few more weeks had passed and I had both tests done, but my apt. wasn't until another week.    

This is about where I started my blog.... I had reported to Dr. Winter I was having pain in my leg. He had an ultra sound done, and found DVT's in both my legs.  He called me that evening to let me know my PET scan showed masses throughout my body, even in my neck.  Which is where he ordered to have the neck biopsy done.....and let the blog begin!!  Stage 4 Cervical Cancer in 6 months.  Both Dr. Winter and Dr. Garrett say they have never seen anything like it.

What I've learned....

1. Go to your Doctor!! Dont miss your check-ups-they could catch something at an early stage.
2.  Although I am redeemed, there are conquences from my past choices.  HPV is a serious growing epidemic in the US. Please be safe and know your choices can impact your life forever.
3. A big thanks for everyone who continues to send cards, bring meals, send gifts! They are fun surprises and encourage me more then you know!  Thank you also to everyone who is praying for my health, for Ryan & myself daily, this too, means so much and is appreciated more then I can express.

In the spirit of #ThrowBackThursday here are some photos....

#TBT Floating the Mckenzie River.  One of our favorite summer time activities.  This summer I'll have to rock 100SPF and some more clothes, but still looking forward to it!

#TBT when Ryan was in the hospital for 3 weeks! And we thought 2014 was going to bring us good health-ha ;)

#TBT Oregon coast day trips

#TBT 2008 Living in Walla Walla, having fun with selftimer

#TBT 2009 Intern's runite in Eugene

#TBT 2009 my FB profile pic & how Ryan fell in love with me ;)

#TBT 2009 When Ryan got baptized 

#TBT 2010 Bandon Beach-exploring caves for too long and the tide came in, we had to walk through tigh high water to get out!

#TBT 2010 I said Yes @ the Rodeo

#TBT 2011When we first brought Bryher home

Results....sort of.

1st: Thank you Lord for making lungs a natural filtration system.
I recently had a 4 day stay in the hospital after posting my last blog, one of my guardian angels suggested I call the doctor about some of my symptoms.  After the ER and then being admitted into the hospital it was discovered that the new blood thinner I was on, Pradaxa, had failed.  I now have multiple Pulmonary Embolism in both my lungs.  We decided to have an Inferior Vena Cava filter put in (sits in a major vein, below my belly bottom) to catch any new clots that try to travel.  Also, I'm back on Enxoparin (the very first injection blood thinner I was put on)  Hopefully that will take care of any new clots from forming, and the filter will catch any that do move, and the ones in my lungs will stay there until my body eats them up.  Which will takes a few months.  So in the mean time, my chest pains will come and go, and breathing is a task in itself.   Thankfully all my new clots got stuck in my lungs-not making it to any other part of my body that could be dangerous!!

2nd:  Thank you Lord for the good results yesterday, even though they were a little incomplete...they were still a good sign! Dr. Lee explained that the CT showed all the same "masses" that were there when I started Chemo.   First that means that no new masses have occurred and that my cancer has not spread!!! Which was a scary possibility seeming everything going on with my blood clots, and how aggressive it was to begin with.   There are two possibilities here, Dr. Lee said, either the chemo is keeping the cancer stable (not spreading but not dying either)  OR the cancer is dying however the masses are still there, almost a skeleton of where the active cancer used to be.  The only way to know what is happening is to get a PET scan, which I'll have right before my next infusion on June 5th.

A short and sweet update, I hope it leaves you encouraged, as I am grateful for this news, even if it's a little incomplete.  Not too much to report on after the 4th round as of now, expect major cramping and my chest is extremely tight making it hard to breath...making it hard to do normal tasks.

 Lounging on the couch with the pups keeping me warm

  Ryan & I have mastered the hospital bed cuddle

On Mother's Day, the day I got released!

Round Three

I'm home from work today as I think I have caught a little bug.....a cold bug, so rest and tea for me today!! I can tell it's my 3rd round, as my body is generally feeling weaker, whereas after my first round I bounced back pretty quickly.  After my infusion, the first 4-7 days are still filled with the most powerful side-effects.  For example, the bone pain this round was horrible, for three days it felt like every time I bent my leg (umm...which you do to walk, sit, pretty much at all times of the day your legs are bent!) so every time I would bend it, it felt like my knee cap was breaking.  This breaking sensation also moved to my heel several times.   I was glad when that finally subsided, but even now into  my 2nd week after infusion, I hurt.   At any given moment something in my body hurts, which in itself exhausting.  Lately it's been cramps, random "zings" of pain shooting down my arm or leg, muscle spasms in my back and especially my lung!! Each morning I have coughing attacks, where I continue to cough up blood (it's in the mucus) and now I've taken a picture to show the Dr. so he know exactly what is happening.  But talking, laughing, breathing has been more difficult the last few days, it seems to come in waves, sometimes I have to take a few deep breaths to get caught up and calm myself down before I can talk again.  Sigh.  That is also exhausting...but on the bright side, I'm getting a nice ab workout!

Also, I have not been sleeping well. I can fall asleep pretty quickly, but the problem is I wake up at some ridiculous hour of the morning and stay wide awake until Ryan's alarm goes off at 6:30.  I've used those annoying waking hours to pray, sing (in my head of course), think, but mostly just try to return to my sleeping.   I've also been having really bad night sweats too, waking up in a pool, changing cloths then trying to find a spot on bed that isn't soaked!  Which is interesting because I am constantly cold, brrrr, I'm sitting here with our heat pump @ 75 degrees and wrapped in a blanket!  Also, I should really start using the term "chemo-brain" because I've been having a lot more blonde moments lately-- but at least now I have a good excuse!! But really, I have noticed that focusing is a little harder, it's harder to multi-task, I'm forgetful and sometimes when I talk-the words just don't make sense!  Ha Ha, Oh, while I'm ranting and raving about the annoying side effects of cancer- specifically cervical cancer, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to have to worry about leaving spots on chairs, my pants, etc.  because of a possible leak...i'll leave it at that.  Ok, felt good to get that off my chest....sorry for the TMI, but sometimes cancer just sucks how it interferes with even the most simple things of life!

I'm really looking forward to my CT scan on Monday!  We'll finally get to see how much of the cancer has been killed!  {insert some really cool emoji's}   I'm also looking forward to this information because i'll find out what's next in big picture of my treatment plan. I'm assuming I'll get the results on Thursday the 15th when I have my next infusion and appointment with Dr. Lee.  I mean, I got a lot of summer plans, so need to know when I can get them on the calendar!!

This past weekend I was thankful my energy was up because my dear friend Amber came to visit from Minnesota.  It was great to get filled up and hear each other's hearts as we both find ourselves in the middle of storms.  It was a sweet time reconnect and know our friendship is one of those rare kinds that can transcend the miles and time that passes.  The Lord has us on two different journeys going through two different storms, but we hold strong to the promises and truth The Lord has given us,  which gives us a friendship that is grounded.  I am so grateful for meeting Amber 5 years ago, life would not be the same without her.  As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another-Proverbs 27:17



What I've learned...

1.  It's ok to say the word Die.
As I go through the weeks and rounds, I am always thinking and processing.  Part of the process, is to  have the awareness that cancer is serious, and could be fatal.  As I was talking to my good friend and pastor, he said something that made sense and was relieving.....it's ok to say the word die.  Sounds simple enough, but there is some weird taboo thing about saying the word, as if,  if I speak it- it will happen,  or if I talk about it- that must mean I have given up.   Neither of these are the case!! I am just at a spot in my own process where I realize that is a possible outcome and talking about it only means that I'm not letting the fear take control of me.  For I am not fearful of death, because I know I'll be with my Lord and Savior in heaven, what I am mournful of is those that I'll leave behind.   But, like I said, in no way do I think or feel like I am going to die anytime soon!!! The Lord has great plans for me here on Earth and I have a lot of love and life left to give. :)


2.  Proverbs 3:5-6
Before Ryan and I got married, as we picked out his wedding band, I secretly got something engraved on the inside to surprise him.  I wanted a verse that would be meaningful, not just the typical love verse, but one that would really be practical for all the years of our marriage, a verse that would speak to Ryan in the good times and bad times, some truth that Ryan could hold onto.   (no offense if you have a typical love verse engraved on your ring, they are great too, but I felt led in a different way)
After much searching I landed on Proverbs 3:5-6.  It's amazing how this verse seems to be played out in our life recently.  We are only at the tip of the iceberg in understanding the full meaning of this verse, but it's so exciting that He continues to speak to us it's power and truth.  I'm reading this book, and it happened to have a whole chapter breaking down this verse! It seems to be popping up everywhere lately.  Ah, I just love it when God is speaking to you so clearly! I'll go into it just a little what the book said.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in The Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.

The book talked about how this is a "before-and-after" proverb.  "Certain things are to take place before-hand, which are our responsibility, so that afterward something might occur that is God's responsibility."   We are instructed to trust, lean and acknowledge Him, so then He can make our path straight.

"It was a wonderful day when I finally realized I don't have to explain or defend the 

will of God.  My job is simply to obey it." -Perfect Trust by Charles Swindoll

3. I love dates.
Going on dates with Ryan is always fun and memorable.  Not because of where we eat or event we went too, but because of our conversation.  When we get out of the house and into a different environment, something happens.....we actually talk!! Not just the small talk that'd we routinely have on the couch as we watch the news, but real talk!  Ryan opens up his heart & lets me in his head and I really get to know my amazing husband on a much deeper level, as he too listens to my heart too, we enter into a growing conversation, speaking to each other with love and understanding.   One of my favorite quotes, which we loosely got from our counselor is "To be vulnerable is to be known and to be known is to be loved"  We both value learning more about the other's heart and sometimes it's takes a date to do that!!

Here is super cool photo I took and edited.  

Hey-sometimes I get a little bored sitting around all the time, ok?! 

Amber, me &Emily at the coast (both from my WFR 2009 internship) 

Reunited and it feels so good! 

I planted these pretty flowers too

This is Bryher, he is crazy and stares at the ceiling ALL day waiting for a reflective light to show up so he can chase it.  

No Organ is Safe Pt.2

I'm almost done here with the infusion and it's been nice and relaxed.  I took a 3 hour nap which was awesome since I have not been sleeping well. Ryan has been working remotely by my side the whole time and had a nice visit.  It's been a good day so far :)

Just wanted to give you all the latest development.  On Monday while at work, I started to experience sharp pain in my chest, especially when I breathed in & out, I remember this was a warning sign of something serious so I called my Dr. immediately and he ordered to have a CT Scan of my chest.  A few hours later and I got the news that I have a Pulmonary Embolism, or a blood clot in my lungs.  Seems my DVT (blood clot in my leg) decided it want to travel....and it did, landing in my Rt. Lung!! This is a pretty serious development, but the good news its that since it is in my Rt. Lung-there is no chance of it moving up to my brain  (Remember 8th grade Health......yea me neither, so my Dr. had to remind me how blood moves throughout the body)  Also, he was not confident to continue my use of Enoxoparin or Coumadin that I've been using to thin my blood, so today I'll start a new blood thinner called Pradaxa.   This is a pill I'll take 2x a day and it will not need to be monitored since it's based on body weight, not INR like Coumadin.   I'll need to be talking it easy-so no jumping jacks or anything.  Also, I'll be stop using birth control since that slightly increases the risk of blood clots.  So overall- not the best news-but not the worst!

My next big apt. will be May 12th, where I'll have a full body CT Scan to see how much of the cancer is gone!  I am really looking forward to this-but also found out I'll need to drink something called contrast an hour before, and I'm guessing it's not going to taste like lemonade. I don't even like lemonade, but you get the point....it'll be gross!! I plan to plug my nose with every sip!
Also on Monday I'll have another check up with Dr. Garrett.


What I've learned...

1. Thankful and ready to continue the fight.....to fight against what ever comes my way!!!
2. Marriage takes work and date nights ;)  I'm looking forward to a small gateway with Ryan tomorrow.
3.With this new development it would be easy to be very discouraged... I mean it sucks and bummed that it happened (well to be honest I was pissed too, but learning I need to be my biggest advocate)  but it also made to have grow my faith...
       "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of Godthat is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
       "Now may The Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.  The Lord be with you all of you"  2 Thessalonians 3:16

Sheep, Shell & Snow

It has been a while since my last blog, this is because I really don't feel like saying much these past few days.  My side effects have been up and down, a few days of feeling great, then out of nowhere I'll be sick all day.  Plus my headaches have returned, I'm getting them weekly again-bummer.  I go back in for round #3 on Thursday.  I'm looking forward to having my next PET Scan to see how much the chemo is killing the cancer, that will be a week or two after my third round.

Sheep: Today a group of us went to Creator Lake, just as we were leaving Eugene on I-5 we passed a rock query.  As we passed, I looked up and saw a white four legged animal way at the top, standing on some jagged boulders and it looked pretty stuck.  My heart got a little sad, and I hoped that it would find it's way out.  Seven hours later, on the way back home, I made sure to look and see if the sheep was still there (I'm assuming it was a sheep) and sure enough, it was.   The little white sheep maybe moved 20 yards....and I'm not sure in the right direction.  This sight absolutely broke my heart (to many of you that may be weird, or even insane-but my heart seems to be deeply connected to animals)  It bothered my so much, that after we got home, I was taking a shower to relax my muscles and I completely broke down-crying...shaking...bottom lip out....the whole thing.   I just felt so helpless for this pour innocent sheep that found itself in a bad spot, stuck, alone, not knowing how it may of wondered there,  it was separated from it's pack, I'm sure it felt scared and alone.  (I'm sure sheep have feeling)  I prayed the Lord would spare it's life and that it would return safely to it's sheep family! (silly prayer?) But I saw myself in that lonely sheep.  Only moving a little even though much time has passed,  unsure of my steps, not knowing the terrain I find myself in and seemingly the only way for my survival is for help of others, someone to rescue me, and for payers to be answered.  Maybe that is why this little sheep touched my heart so much, but in all honestly...I really do hope it makes it safely back to where it needs to be!! (Also, I may be calling the rock query tomorrow)

Shell:  All this is coming after a week or so of not feeling.....I dunno....really "me".  I have been feeling like a "shell", just going through motions of life but not having much "life" in me.  Let me clarify here, because I don't want you to get the wrong impression.  I'm not feeling sad, I haven't lost hope, nothing like that. In fact have had many times of laughter and smiles this past week, but it's still this "shell" feeling....it's hard to explain. I think it's a void that is creeping into my heart.  A void of missing and longing for that deep relationship with my Savior.  With the sickness and exhaustion I haven't spent much time in His word and honestly even in prayer (real prayer...at least)  And I sure some of these feeling are the chemo too, but it's just been kind of a drag.   I was reminded from a good friend, that "your friends will hold you up in prayer when you can't"  So thank you everyone for lifting me up!! This morning I got back in the Word, and of course it was just what I needed to hear...love that...Love Him!!

Snow:  Today a group of us went on an amazing snowshoe hike around Crater Lake!!! It was about a mile hike, lead by a Park Ranger, we took multiple break where he explained about the National Park.  It was so neat!!  I was a little nervous going into the hike, but I totally kicked butt, all the breaks really helped me sustain my energy.  I'm sure I wont be able to walk tomorrow, but I did it, I went out there and had an adventure with people I love, made memories and will always remember it!

What I've learned.....

1. I'm capable of great adventures if I believe I can do them.
2. Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God-Matthew 4:4
3. It's good to take time for me-self care!!


Please enjoy these photos too :)

Snow Strong!

Basking in His Glory!

My Love!

Putting finishing touches to our place. Bryher was really into the laser level.

I mean REALLY into the laser level. 

2nd Round & Boxes

I have been wanting to blog for the past three days, a lot on my mind, but never mustard up the energy.  Even now, I'm feeling pretty bad, but need to get some of my thoughts on paper.....or screen.
I am writing this from our new place, which has turned out to be quite cozy and quaint.  The move went smoothly and our livable space is all unpacked.  Our garage however is another story!  The move came with many emotions for me, as so much is already changing- to box up our life seemed overwhelming at times.  Especially because I'm a control freak, so by allowing others to help, meant me not knowing the exact content of every box! But so thankful that I was able to let go of that control to allow others to help, and during the move itself-I even took a nap at a hotel room! The same goes for when we started unpacking, it was hard for me not to micro manage every item that came out of each box to find it's exact placement, at that exact moment. But trusting the family that came to help, knowing they would do (and did) a great job setting up my "nest". So as I sit here tonight, I am very pleased and love the homeyness of our new place!

Did I mention that all this was going on the days following my 2nd round of chemo.....yea...that didn't make my emotions any calmer! It was a good distraction however, I was so focused on controlling stupid things that I didn't give much thought to the chemo side-effects.....until today!!  I certainly should have relinquished more control because I over worked my body (and mind....spirit....everything I guess)  The side-effects came yesterday and have not let up.  I am experiencing the same bone pains, random sharp pains, and generally exhausted feeling as last time (maybe even worse)  but now my taste and smell are doing weird things, and my stomach has definite waves of feeling sick.  I haven't gotten sick yet, but felt I could of many times today.

What I've learned...

1.  Home is where you make it.

2. There has been much attention on me lately, that I found myself having the "it's all about me attitude"  which is never good.  And it effect's Ryan the most probably, after this was kindly brought to my attention and with some prayer,  I apologized to Ryan and I also want to apologize to all of you too.  If I have seen you recently and didn't' ask how are you doing, please forgive me.  (and don't say, "oh you have so much going on, you don't need to worry about me...blah...blah)  Because I care for so many of you, and don't want this to turn into the Amanda show and loose sight of the wonderful people around me that have lives, needs, hurts and victories too.  So bottom line, cut me off if I start talking about me too much ;)

3. My hair is pretty much gone....well at least a good portion of it.  Ryan shaved it down even further because it was looking patchy.  Now the sides and back of my head are still pretty full, but the top of my head is bald, and the few strands I hair I do have left are "crispy".  Every shower more and more comes out.  On a side note, when the hair falls out, these tiny hairs are getting stuck on the fabric in my hats-super annoying because they are so short and pokey!! Back to my point,  before I started losing my hair, I got several wigs. I wanted to still feel normal, and when everyone around you has hair, I assumed I  would need hair too to feel normal.  But now that I don't have hair, THAT is normal, so it almost feels un-normal to wear a wig.  Does that make sense?  I just didn't know how I would feel about myself bald, or how others would feel about me, so I wanted to protect myself in a way.  Now I'm not saying I'm totally at a spot where I'm bald every place I go but I do feel normal being bald....I mean I guess I have cancer right....so being bald is normal!  Being bald in public, does make you realize you have cancer, believe me...so it's all part of the process of embracing & fighting!   And if one day (or hour) I wear a wig,  I'm fine with that too, I'm not trying to cover-up anymore,like I thought I would be, it would be because how cool it is to have wigs!!?? They are perfectly styled every time you put them on! So what I'm really saying is, be on the look out, because you never know what I'll look like ! ;) hahaha

4. Today Miles (our dog) ran into a fence while playing with another dog at the dog park.  We didn't realize the fence had punctured his face and ear several times until we left and saw his bloody fur.  He was so full of life,  playing his little heart out! Enjoying every leap and bound, the grass rushing by his body, the wind at his back, a smile ear to ear, that the pain didn't even phase him.  We can learn a lot from these wonderful creatures.  Also I think he wanted to look like me ;) (see picture below)

On a good day last week.

Taken a few hours ago.  The pups sure do know when I'm not well.