I am writing this from our new place, which has turned out to be quite cozy and quaint. The move went smoothly and our livable space is all unpacked. Our garage however is another story! The move came with many emotions for me, as so much is already changing- to box up our life seemed overwhelming at times. Especially because I'm a control freak, so by allowing others to help, meant me not knowing the exact content of every box! But so thankful that I was able to let go of that control to allow others to help, and during the move itself-I even took a nap at a hotel room! The same goes for when we started unpacking, it was hard for me not to micro manage every item that came out of each box to find it's exact placement, at that exact moment. But trusting the family that came to help, knowing they would do (and did) a great job setting up my "nest". So as I sit here tonight, I am very pleased and love the homeyness of our new place!
Did I mention that all this was going on the days following my 2nd round of chemo.....yea...that didn't make my emotions any calmer! It was a good distraction however, I was so focused on controlling stupid things that I didn't give much thought to the chemo side-effects.....until today!! I certainly should have relinquished more control because I over worked my body (and mind....spirit....everything I guess) The side-effects came yesterday and have not let up. I am experiencing the same bone pains, random sharp pains, and generally exhausted feeling as last time (maybe even worse) but now my taste and smell are doing weird things, and my stomach has definite waves of feeling sick. I haven't gotten sick yet, but felt I could of many times today.
What I've learned...
1. Home is where you make it.
2. There has been much attention on me lately, that I found myself having the "it's all about me attitude" which is never good. And it effect's Ryan the most probably, after this was kindly brought to my attention and with some prayer, I apologized to Ryan and I also want to apologize to all of you too. If I have seen you recently and didn't' ask how are you doing, please forgive me. (and don't say, "oh you have so much going on, you don't need to worry about me...blah...blah) Because I care for so many of you, and don't want this to turn into the Amanda show and loose sight of the wonderful people around me that have lives, needs, hurts and victories too. So bottom line, cut me off if I start talking about me too much ;)
3. My hair is pretty much gone....well at least a good portion of it. Ryan shaved it down even further because it was looking patchy. Now the sides and back of my head are still pretty full, but the top of my head is bald, and the few strands I hair I do have left are "crispy". Every shower more and more comes out. On a side note, when the hair falls out, these tiny hairs are getting stuck on the fabric in my hats-super annoying because they are so short and pokey!! Back to my point, before I started losing my hair, I got several wigs. I wanted to still feel normal, and when everyone around you has hair, I assumed I would need hair too to feel normal. But now that I don't have hair, THAT is normal, so it almost feels un-normal to wear a wig. Does that make sense? I just didn't know how I would feel about myself bald, or how others would feel about me, so I wanted to protect myself in a way. Now I'm not saying I'm totally at a spot where I'm bald every place I go but I do feel normal being bald....I mean I guess I have cancer right....so being bald is normal! Being bald in public, does make you realize you have cancer, believe me...so it's all part of the process of embracing & fighting! And if one day (or hour) I wear a wig, I'm fine with that too, I'm not trying to cover-up anymore,like I thought I would be, it would be because how cool it is to have wigs!!?? They are perfectly styled every time you put them on! So what I'm really saying is, be on the look out, because you never know what I'll look like ! ;) hahaha
4. Today Miles (our dog) ran into a fence while playing with another dog at the dog park. We didn't realize the fence had punctured his face and ear several times until we left and saw his bloody fur. He was so full of life, playing his little heart out! Enjoying every leap and bound, the grass rushing by his body, the wind at his back, a smile ear to ear, that the pain didn't even phase him. We can learn a lot from these wonderful creatures. Also I think he wanted to look like me ;) (see picture below)
On a good day last week.
Taken a few hours ago. The pups sure do know when I'm not well.
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