today it got real...: Round Three

I'm home from work today as I think I have caught a little bug.....a cold bug, so rest and tea for me today!! I can tell it's my 3rd round, as my body is generally feeling weaker, whereas after my first round I bounced back pretty quickly. After my infusion, the first 4-7 days are still filled with the most powerful side-effects. For example, the bone pain this round was horrible, for three days it felt like every time I bent my leg (umm...which you do to walk, sit, pretty much at all times of the day your legs are bent!) so every time I would bend it, it felt like my knee cap was breaking. This breaking sensation also moved to my heel several times. I was glad when that finally subsided, but even now into my 2nd week after infusion, I hurt. At any given moment something in my body hurts, which in itself exhausting. Lately it's been cramps, random "zings" of pain shooting down my arm or leg, muscle spasms in my back and especially my lung!! Each morning I have coughing attacks, where I continue to cough up blood (it's in the mucus) and now I've taken a picture to show the Dr. so he know exactly what is happening. But talking, laughing, breathing has been more difficult the last few days, it seems to come in waves, sometimes I have to take a few deep breaths to get caught up and calm myself down before I can talk again. Sigh. That is also exhausting...but on the bright side, I'm getting a nice ab workout!

Also, I have not been sleeping well. I can fall asleep pretty quickly, but the problem is I wake up at some ridiculous hour of the morning and stay wide awake until Ryan's alarm goes off at 6:30. I've used those annoying waking hours to pray, sing (in my head of course), think, but mostly just try to return to my sleeping. I've also been having really bad night sweats too, waking up in a pool, changing cloths then trying to find a spot on bed that isn't soaked! Which is interesting because I am constantly cold, brrrr, I'm sitting here with our heat pump @ 75 degrees and wrapped in a blanket! Also, I should really start using the term "chemo-brain" because I've been having a lot more blonde moments lately-- but at least now I have a good excuse!! But really, I have noticed that focusing is a little harder, it's harder to multi-task, I'm forgetful and sometimes when I talk-the words just don't make sense! Ha Ha, Oh, while I'm ranting and raving about the annoying side effects of cancer- specifically cervical cancer, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to have to worry about leaving spots on chairs, my pants, etc. because of a possible leak...i'll leave it at that. Ok, felt good to get that off my chest....sorry for the TMI, but sometimes cancer just sucks how it interferes with even the most simple things of life!

I'm really looking forward to my CT scan on Monday! We'll finally get to see how much of the cancer has been killed! {insert some really cool emoji's} I'm also looking forward to this information because i'll find out what's next in big picture of my treatment plan. I'm assuming I'll get the results on Thursday the 15th when I have my next infusion and appointment with Dr. Lee. I mean, I got a lot of summer plans, so need to know when I can get them on the calendar!!

This past weekend I was thankful my energy was up because my dear friend Amber came to visit from Minnesota. It was great to get filled up and hear each other's hearts as we both find ourselves in the middle of storms. It was a sweet time reconnect and know our friendship is one of those rare kinds that can transcend the miles and time that passes. The Lord has us on two different journeys going through two different storms, but we hold strong to the promises and truth The Lord has given us, which gives us a friendship that is grounded. I am so grateful for meeting Amber 5 years ago, life would not be the same without her. As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another-Proverbs 27:17

What I've learned...

1. It's ok to say the word Die.
As I go through the weeks and rounds, I am always thinking and processing. Part of the process, is to have the awareness that cancer is serious, and could be fatal. As I was talking to my good friend and pastor, he said something that made sense and was relieving.....it's ok to say the word die. Sounds simple enough, but there is some weird taboo thing about saying the word, as if, if I speak it- it will happen, or if I talk about it- that must mean I have given up. Neither of these are the case!! I am just at a spot in my own process where I realize that is a possible outcome and talking about it only means that I'm not letting the fear take control of me. For I am not fearful of death, because I know I'll be with my Lord and Savior in heaven, what I am mournful of is those that I'll leave behind. But, like I said, in no way do I think or feel like I am going to die anytime soon!!! The Lord has great plans for me here on Earth and I have a lot of love and life left to give. :)

2. Proverbs 3:5-6
Before Ryan and I got married, as we picked out his wedding band, I secretly got something engraved on the inside to surprise him. I wanted a verse that would be meaningful, not just the typical love verse, but one that would really be practical for all the years of our marriage, a verse that would speak to Ryan in the good times and bad times, some truth that Ryan could hold onto. (no offense if you have a typical love verse engraved on your ring, they are great too, but I felt led in a different way)
After much searching I landed on Proverbs 3:5-6. It's amazing how this verse seems to be played out in our life recently. We are only at the tip of the iceberg in understanding the full meaning of this verse, but it's so exciting that He continues to speak to us it's power and truth. I'm reading this book, and it happened to have a whole chapter breaking down this verse! It seems to be popping up everywhere lately. Ah, I just love it when God is speaking to you so clearly! I'll go into it just a little what the book said.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in The Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.

The book talked about how this is a "before-and-after" proverb. "Certain things are to take place before-hand, which are our responsibility, so that afterward something might occur that is God's responsibility." We are instructed to trust, lean and acknowledge Him, so then He can make our path straight.

"It was a wonderful day when I finally realized I don't have to explain or defend the

will of God. My job is simply to obey it." -Perfect Trust by Charles Swindoll

3. I love dates.
Going on dates with Ryan is always fun and memorable. Not because of where we eat or event we went too, but because of our conversation. When we get out of the house and into a different environment, something happens.....we actually talk!! Not just the small talk that'd we routinely have on the couch as we watch the news, but real talk! Ryan opens up his heart & lets me in his head and I really get to know my amazing husband on a much deeper level, as he too listens to my heart too, we enter into a growing conversation, speaking to each other with love and understanding. One of my favorite quotes, which we loosely got from our counselor is "To be vulnerable is to be known and to be known is to be loved" We both value learning more about the other's heart and sometimes it's takes a date to do that!!