I'm almost done here with the infusion and it's been nice and relaxed. I took a 3 hour nap which was awesome since I have not been sleeping well. Ryan has been working remotely by my side the whole time and had a nice visit. It's been a good day so far :)
Just wanted to give you all the latest development. On Monday while at work, I started to experience sharp pain in my chest, especially when I breathed in & out, I remember this was a warning sign of something serious so I called my Dr. immediately and he ordered to have a CT Scan of my chest. A few hours later and I got the news that I have a Pulmonary Embolism, or a blood clot in my lungs. Seems my DVT (blood clot in my leg) decided it want to travel....and it did, landing in my Rt. Lung!! This is a pretty serious development, but the good news its that since it is in my Rt. Lung-there is no chance of it moving up to my brain (Remember 8th grade Health......yea me neither, so my Dr. had to remind me how blood moves throughout the body) Also, he was not confident to continue my use of Enoxoparin or Coumadin that I've been using to thin my blood, so today I'll start a new blood thinner called Pradaxa. This is a pill I'll take 2x a day and it will not need to be monitored since it's based on body weight, not INR like Coumadin. I'll need to be talking it easy-so no jumping jacks or anything. Also, I'll be stop using birth control since that slightly increases the risk of blood clots. So overall- not the best news-but not the worst!
My next big apt. will be May 12th, where I'll have a full body CT Scan to see how much of the cancer is gone! I am really looking forward to this-but also found out I'll need to drink something called contrast an hour before, and I'm guessing it's not going to taste like lemonade. I don't even like lemonade, but you get the point....it'll be gross!! I plan to plug my nose with every sip!
Also on Monday I'll have another check up with Dr. Garrett.
What I've learned...
1. Thankful and ready to continue the fight.....to fight against what ever comes my way!!!
2. Marriage takes work and date nights ;) I'm looking forward to a small gateway with Ryan tomorrow.
3.With this new development it would be easy to be very discouraged... I mean it sucks and bummed that it happened (well to be honest I was pissed too, but learning I need to be my biggest advocate) but it also made to have grow my faith...
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of Godthat is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
"Now may The Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with you all of you" 2 Thessalonians 3:16
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Sheep, Shell & Snow
It has been a while since my last blog, this is because I really don't feel like saying much these past few days. My side effects have been up and down, a few days of feeling great, then out of nowhere I'll be sick all day. Plus my headaches have returned, I'm getting them weekly again-bummer. I go back in for round #3 on Thursday. I'm looking forward to having my next PET Scan to see how much the chemo is killing the cancer, that will be a week or two after my third round.
Sheep: Today a group of us went to Creator Lake, just as we were leaving Eugene on I-5 we passed a rock query. As we passed, I looked up and saw a white four legged animal way at the top, standing on some jagged boulders and it looked pretty stuck. My heart got a little sad, and I hoped that it would find it's way out. Seven hours later, on the way back home, I made sure to look and see if the sheep was still there (I'm assuming it was a sheep) and sure enough, it was. The little white sheep maybe moved 20 yards....and I'm not sure in the right direction. This sight absolutely broke my heart (to many of you that may be weird, or even insane-but my heart seems to be deeply connected to animals) It bothered my so much, that after we got home, I was taking a shower to relax my muscles and I completely broke down-crying...shaking...bottom lip out....the whole thing. I just felt so helpless for this pour innocent sheep that found itself in a bad spot, stuck, alone, not knowing how it may of wondered there, it was separated from it's pack, I'm sure it felt scared and alone. (I'm sure sheep have feeling) I prayed the Lord would spare it's life and that it would return safely to it's sheep family! (silly prayer?) But I saw myself in that lonely sheep. Only moving a little even though much time has passed, unsure of my steps, not knowing the terrain I find myself in and seemingly the only way for my survival is for help of others, someone to rescue me, and for payers to be answered. Maybe that is why this little sheep touched my heart so much, but in all honestly...I really do hope it makes it safely back to where it needs to be!! (Also, I may be calling the rock query tomorrow)
Shell: All this is coming after a week or so of not feeling.....I dunno....really "me". I have been feeling like a "shell", just going through motions of life but not having much "life" in me. Let me clarify here, because I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I'm not feeling sad, I haven't lost hope, nothing like that. In fact have had many times of laughter and smiles this past week, but it's still this "shell" feeling....it's hard to explain. I think it's a void that is creeping into my heart. A void of missing and longing for that deep relationship with my Savior. With the sickness and exhaustion I haven't spent much time in His word and honestly even in prayer (real prayer...at least) And I sure some of these feeling are the chemo too, but it's just been kind of a drag. I was reminded from a good friend, that "your friends will hold you up in prayer when you can't" So thank you everyone for lifting me up!! This morning I got back in the Word, and of course it was just what I needed to hear...love that...Love Him!!
Snow: Today a group of us went on an amazing snowshoe hike around Crater Lake!!! It was about a mile hike, lead by a Park Ranger, we took multiple break where he explained about the National Park. It was so neat!! I was a little nervous going into the hike, but I totally kicked butt, all the breaks really helped me sustain my energy. I'm sure I wont be able to walk tomorrow, but I did it, I went out there and had an adventure with people I love, made memories and will always remember it!
What I've learned.....
1. I'm capable of great adventures if I believe I can do them.
2. Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God-Matthew 4:4
3. It's good to take time for me-self care!!
Please enjoy these photos too :)
Sheep: Today a group of us went to Creator Lake, just as we were leaving Eugene on I-5 we passed a rock query. As we passed, I looked up and saw a white four legged animal way at the top, standing on some jagged boulders and it looked pretty stuck. My heart got a little sad, and I hoped that it would find it's way out. Seven hours later, on the way back home, I made sure to look and see if the sheep was still there (I'm assuming it was a sheep) and sure enough, it was. The little white sheep maybe moved 20 yards....and I'm not sure in the right direction. This sight absolutely broke my heart (to many of you that may be weird, or even insane-but my heart seems to be deeply connected to animals) It bothered my so much, that after we got home, I was taking a shower to relax my muscles and I completely broke down-crying...shaking...bottom lip out....the whole thing. I just felt so helpless for this pour innocent sheep that found itself in a bad spot, stuck, alone, not knowing how it may of wondered there, it was separated from it's pack, I'm sure it felt scared and alone. (I'm sure sheep have feeling) I prayed the Lord would spare it's life and that it would return safely to it's sheep family! (silly prayer?) But I saw myself in that lonely sheep. Only moving a little even though much time has passed, unsure of my steps, not knowing the terrain I find myself in and seemingly the only way for my survival is for help of others, someone to rescue me, and for payers to be answered. Maybe that is why this little sheep touched my heart so much, but in all honestly...I really do hope it makes it safely back to where it needs to be!! (Also, I may be calling the rock query tomorrow)
Shell: All this is coming after a week or so of not feeling.....I dunno....really "me". I have been feeling like a "shell", just going through motions of life but not having much "life" in me. Let me clarify here, because I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I'm not feeling sad, I haven't lost hope, nothing like that. In fact have had many times of laughter and smiles this past week, but it's still this "shell" feeling....it's hard to explain. I think it's a void that is creeping into my heart. A void of missing and longing for that deep relationship with my Savior. With the sickness and exhaustion I haven't spent much time in His word and honestly even in prayer (real prayer...at least) And I sure some of these feeling are the chemo too, but it's just been kind of a drag. I was reminded from a good friend, that "your friends will hold you up in prayer when you can't" So thank you everyone for lifting me up!! This morning I got back in the Word, and of course it was just what I needed to hear...love that...Love Him!!
Snow: Today a group of us went on an amazing snowshoe hike around Crater Lake!!! It was about a mile hike, lead by a Park Ranger, we took multiple break where he explained about the National Park. It was so neat!! I was a little nervous going into the hike, but I totally kicked butt, all the breaks really helped me sustain my energy. I'm sure I wont be able to walk tomorrow, but I did it, I went out there and had an adventure with people I love, made memories and will always remember it!
What I've learned.....
1. I'm capable of great adventures if I believe I can do them.
2. Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God-Matthew 4:4
3. It's good to take time for me-self care!!
Please enjoy these photos too :)
Snow Strong!
Basking in His Glory!
My Love!
Putting finishing touches to our place. Bryher was really into the laser level.
I mean REALLY into the laser level.
Monday, April 7, 2014
2nd Round & Boxes
I have been wanting to blog for the past three days, a lot on my mind, but never mustard up the energy. Even now, I'm feeling pretty bad, but need to get some of my thoughts on paper.....or screen.
I am writing this from our new place, which has turned out to be quite cozy and quaint. The move went smoothly and our livable space is all unpacked. Our garage however is another story! The move came with many emotions for me, as so much is already changing- to box up our life seemed overwhelming at times. Especially because I'm a control freak, so by allowing others to help, meant me not knowing the exact content of every box! But so thankful that I was able to let go of that control to allow others to help, and during the move itself-I even took a nap at a hotel room! The same goes for when we started unpacking, it was hard for me not to micro manage every item that came out of each box to find it's exact placement, at that exact moment. But trusting the family that came to help, knowing they would do (and did) a great job setting up my "nest". So as I sit here tonight, I am very pleased and love the homeyness of our new place!
Did I mention that all this was going on the days following my 2nd round of chemo.....yea...that didn't make my emotions any calmer! It was a good distraction however, I was so focused on controlling stupid things that I didn't give much thought to the chemo side-effects.....until today!! I certainly should have relinquished more control because I over worked my body (and mind....spirit....everything I guess) The side-effects came yesterday and have not let up. I am experiencing the same bone pains, random sharp pains, and generally exhausted feeling as last time (maybe even worse) but now my taste and smell are doing weird things, and my stomach has definite waves of feeling sick. I haven't gotten sick yet, but felt I could of many times today.
What I've learned...
1. Home is where you make it.
2. There has been much attention on me lately, that I found myself having the "it's all about me attitude" which is never good. And it effect's Ryan the most probably, after this was kindly brought to my attention and with some prayer, I apologized to Ryan and I also want to apologize to all of you too. If I have seen you recently and didn't' ask how are you doing, please forgive me. (and don't say, "oh you have so much going on, you don't need to worry about me...blah...blah) Because I care for so many of you, and don't want this to turn into the Amanda show and loose sight of the wonderful people around me that have lives, needs, hurts and victories too. So bottom line, cut me off if I start talking about me too much ;)
3. My hair is pretty much gone....well at least a good portion of it. Ryan shaved it down even further because it was looking patchy. Now the sides and back of my head are still pretty full, but the top of my head is bald, and the few strands I hair I do have left are "crispy". Every shower more and more comes out. On a side note, when the hair falls out, these tiny hairs are getting stuck on the fabric in my hats-super annoying because they are so short and pokey!! Back to my point, before I started losing my hair, I got several wigs. I wanted to still feel normal, and when everyone around you has hair, I assumed I would need hair too to feel normal. But now that I don't have hair, THAT is normal, so it almost feels un-normal to wear a wig. Does that make sense? I just didn't know how I would feel about myself bald, or how others would feel about me, so I wanted to protect myself in a way. Now I'm not saying I'm totally at a spot where I'm bald every place I go but I do feel normal being bald....I mean I guess I have cancer right....so being bald is normal! Being bald in public, does make you realize you have cancer, believe me...so it's all part of the process of embracing & fighting! And if one day (or hour) I wear a wig, I'm fine with that too, I'm not trying to cover-up anymore,like I thought I would be, it would be because how cool it is to have wigs!!?? They are perfectly styled every time you put them on! So what I'm really saying is, be on the look out, because you never know what I'll look like ! ;) hahaha
4. Today Miles (our dog) ran into a fence while playing with another dog at the dog park. We didn't realize the fence had punctured his face and ear several times until we left and saw his bloody fur. He was so full of life, playing his little heart out! Enjoying every leap and bound, the grass rushing by his body, the wind at his back, a smile ear to ear, that the pain didn't even phase him. We can learn a lot from these wonderful creatures. Also I think he wanted to look like me ;) (see picture below)
I am writing this from our new place, which has turned out to be quite cozy and quaint. The move went smoothly and our livable space is all unpacked. Our garage however is another story! The move came with many emotions for me, as so much is already changing- to box up our life seemed overwhelming at times. Especially because I'm a control freak, so by allowing others to help, meant me not knowing the exact content of every box! But so thankful that I was able to let go of that control to allow others to help, and during the move itself-I even took a nap at a hotel room! The same goes for when we started unpacking, it was hard for me not to micro manage every item that came out of each box to find it's exact placement, at that exact moment. But trusting the family that came to help, knowing they would do (and did) a great job setting up my "nest". So as I sit here tonight, I am very pleased and love the homeyness of our new place!
Did I mention that all this was going on the days following my 2nd round of chemo.....yea...that didn't make my emotions any calmer! It was a good distraction however, I was so focused on controlling stupid things that I didn't give much thought to the chemo side-effects.....until today!! I certainly should have relinquished more control because I over worked my body (and mind....spirit....everything I guess) The side-effects came yesterday and have not let up. I am experiencing the same bone pains, random sharp pains, and generally exhausted feeling as last time (maybe even worse) but now my taste and smell are doing weird things, and my stomach has definite waves of feeling sick. I haven't gotten sick yet, but felt I could of many times today.
What I've learned...
1. Home is where you make it.
2. There has been much attention on me lately, that I found myself having the "it's all about me attitude" which is never good. And it effect's Ryan the most probably, after this was kindly brought to my attention and with some prayer, I apologized to Ryan and I also want to apologize to all of you too. If I have seen you recently and didn't' ask how are you doing, please forgive me. (and don't say, "oh you have so much going on, you don't need to worry about me...blah...blah) Because I care for so many of you, and don't want this to turn into the Amanda show and loose sight of the wonderful people around me that have lives, needs, hurts and victories too. So bottom line, cut me off if I start talking about me too much ;)
3. My hair is pretty much gone....well at least a good portion of it. Ryan shaved it down even further because it was looking patchy. Now the sides and back of my head are still pretty full, but the top of my head is bald, and the few strands I hair I do have left are "crispy". Every shower more and more comes out. On a side note, when the hair falls out, these tiny hairs are getting stuck on the fabric in my hats-super annoying because they are so short and pokey!! Back to my point, before I started losing my hair, I got several wigs. I wanted to still feel normal, and when everyone around you has hair, I assumed I would need hair too to feel normal. But now that I don't have hair, THAT is normal, so it almost feels un-normal to wear a wig. Does that make sense? I just didn't know how I would feel about myself bald, or how others would feel about me, so I wanted to protect myself in a way. Now I'm not saying I'm totally at a spot where I'm bald every place I go but I do feel normal being bald....I mean I guess I have cancer right....so being bald is normal! Being bald in public, does make you realize you have cancer, believe me...so it's all part of the process of embracing & fighting! And if one day (or hour) I wear a wig, I'm fine with that too, I'm not trying to cover-up anymore,like I thought I would be, it would be because how cool it is to have wigs!!?? They are perfectly styled every time you put them on! So what I'm really saying is, be on the look out, because you never know what I'll look like ! ;) hahaha
4. Today Miles (our dog) ran into a fence while playing with another dog at the dog park. We didn't realize the fence had punctured his face and ear several times until we left and saw his bloody fur. He was so full of life, playing his little heart out! Enjoying every leap and bound, the grass rushing by his body, the wind at his back, a smile ear to ear, that the pain didn't even phase him. We can learn a lot from these wonderful creatures. Also I think he wanted to look like me ;) (see picture below)
On a good day last week.
Taken a few hours ago. The pups sure do know when I'm not well.
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