30 & Bald

Yesterday I awaken to find my pillowcase covered in hair.  Sigh.  It started.....and on my 30th birthday, of course it would start to fall out the day I turn 30!  I was a little afraid to take a shower....not knowing how rapidly it would or wouldn't come out.   After a little research I decided to go for it, I mean I want to be fresh'n'clean on my birthday!  So I put on Tim Mcgraw's, My Next Thirty Years (because what else would you listen to on your 30th?!) and got ready for the day.  After towel drying my hair (towel full of hair) then even just trying to comb through my hair with my fingers, I would have gobs of hair come out with each stroke, I just had to laugh out loud.   I could move my hair ever so slightly and strands would come falling down.

Beside my hair starting to go, I was having one of my nasty headaches.  But I had big breakfast plans with friends that I didn't want to miss out on.   I felt good enough to join them and have a morning dance party while making waffles! So thankful for their sweet, youthful spirits and that I get to call them friends.   However, I didn't last too long before I felt sick.  I rushed home and curled up in bed until Ryan got off work, I was really hoping that this would pass.  With the help of some medicine, I started feeling ok enough to go out for dinner and shopping :)  I can always feel good enough to go shopping! Ryan also gave me the most thoughtful gift, he surprised me with the gift of friendship....Amber is coming to visit!!!  WOW, what an amazing husband.  I'm still in disbelief that my best friend will be here with me for a few days!  The rest of night we enjoyed laughing together and even had our own 2 person dance party!  It was a perfect birthday.

However, this morning, the headache had turned into a migraine.  So I was in and out bed, rushing to the bathroom because I was sick until 4pm today.  YUCK!! I hope getting a good night sleep tonight will help this pass.  During this time however, I was presented with an opportunity from friends, they wanted to join in with me on this journey by shaving their heads with me.   This is such a humbling offer, and their beauty become even more radiant just by their willingness.  I am still blown away, that they too would partake in this very public way of support, for me?! They are truly your daughters Lord, and I was honored to receive such a blessing with them tonight.  As we all came together  to shave our hair off.  The room was filled with smiles, tears, laughter, love and His beauty!!

What I've learned...

1. Friendship is a blessing that the Lord wants us to enjoy both inward & outwardly with each other.

2.  The next 30 years will be the best years of my life!

3. Bald is the new beautiful!

Let's get this out in the open

This weekend felt very normal.  I was feeling very well, no side effects really-except a cough from my cold.  It was great to do some "life as normal" things with Ryan and the pups! If you have known us for the past 8 months or so, we haven't had a true "normal" or break in medical issues, but hey, it was normal for us :)

Ryan and I enjoyed a beautiful drive out on back roads to Alsea Falls (out side of Monroe, for my fellow Oregonians) We hiked....almost to the falls, but more about that later. After we got back,  I got all fancied up for a date at one of our favorite restaurants (Cafe 440) to enjoy happy hour.  Then ended the evening with friends at a movie. Today was also pretty normal, after church went to the dog park then played 9 holes of disc golf.  I'm glad I am able to do all of these things-and want to continue enjoying life, activities, and friends when I do feel good!

Back to the hike,  between family visiting, Ryan's trip, and our own pride, Ryan and I haven't had much time to process together since chemo started.  Ryan was away on a business trip last week, and the time apart really got to us.  I take for granted the everyday interactions I have with him, the laughs, the hugs, and the processing.  That is what I really want to talk about, our process on this journey...together.  I realized how the little misunderstanding,  misread emotions, unspoken questions, and hidden attitudes can really build up if you don't take time to process through them when they arise.  So back to us not yet processing together, there was somewhat of built up "stuff" that we needed to get out in the open ....now I wasn't sure when this would happen...but I didn't expect it all to get unwrapped and out in the open (literally) on our Alsea Falls hike, in the middle of the trail-in the middle of the forest-in the middle of no where, but that is exactly what happened.  I'm thankful that Ryan is stubborn sometimes-for it was his persistence on having this discussion take place in that exact place and moment,  that also lead us to a hug and kiss so passionate that it was only fitting that we were in the most serine place-alone-in the middle of know where.

We are both trying to do this together, but what does that even mean? I mean really....I feel like we try so hard to know the right thing to say or do, that we end up loosing each other,  trying too hard to figure this thing out on our own. I pray we take it easy with each other, have grace and mercy with each other, and choose to love each other each day.  Moments like this I am reminded of our vows, and realize you have to choose to live those words out in the good days and bad.  I'm so thankful for my union with Ryan, as I know The Lord is doing mighty work in both of us.

Enough of the sappy stuff, lets talk medical!! I had a check-up with Dr. Lee, to let him know how the first chemo session went.  I let him know all the sideeffects and he was glad for this first round they were not so bad.  However for the following rounds, I shouldn't expect the same results for all six rounds (my body having minimal side-effects).  He also expressed concern with how much I was bleeding (I didn't include this side-effect in my previous blog, but I guess it's all out in the open now) He wanted me to follow up with Dr. Garrett the next day for an exam.  Dr. Garrett, said the bleeding was not internal, which is good. (They were thinking maybe the tumor was bleeding) She even thought my tumor looked a little smaller even from the ultra sound she did. I'll visit her again on the 31st to see if my bleeding has lessened.  One of the reasons why I'm so anxious to figure this out, is because I really want to switch my blood thinner meds from an injection 2x day to a pill once a day, but they need to figure out this bleeding thing first.  Also I got my next chemo infusion scheduled for April 3rd.  I'll have family back in town for that, as that is also the same weekend Ryan and I are moving.  Don't worry we have plenty of help :) I'll just be doing a lot of finger pointing and saying "this goes there" and "hang that here".  It will be.....a new experience.

What I've learned.....

1. Be thankful.
2. Be humble.
3. Be kind.

PS. My dogs are still the best!

Side Effects

I didn't know what to really expect in the coming days after the Chemo juices were flowing through my veins. I was prepared for the worst of it, and with all this talk of "aggressive chemo to attack the aggressive cancer" It was hard not to imagine me getting all the possible side effects...at once...but Praise the Lord that has not been the case!!

 I did/do get sick, but it has only been in the morning.  I haven't notice a change in taste or smells, although I do eat smaller portions. The worst side effect I have experienced (thus far) is the pain in my bones and cramping.  Sometimes it feels as if my bones are growing...or shrinking and that's not a good feeling.  It'll start in my knee, then travel throughout my body (mostly waist down) all day.  Sometimes I can feel every vertebrae in my spine, and there is no relief from sitting, standing or even laying down!  All this said, I am so grateful this has been the "worst" of it. Plus today, the bone aches and cramping have decreased, soooo is this it?!?! Again, Praise the Lord because I can handle this! Ok, well maybe that is getting a little cocky....but I'm feeling better then I expected- I'll say that.  One thing that does have me down, is a cold.  It's a deep cough-mostly in the morning and evening.  Dr. Lee has me on some antibiotics in case it's  bacterial.  I'll see him tomorrow for some lab work, and to discuss how I am responding to the treatment.  We'll make my next infusion date at that time too. (Predicted to be April 4th)

I am however exhausted!  Today would be typical day for me, work, a few meetings, grocery shopping, hair cut-home by 6pm, and I'd still be rock'n'rolling.  BUT I am not-I am completely exhausted!  I just have to get used to my new energy level, and not schedule so much in a day I guess.  Back to today...it was a big day-a fun day :)  At noon I went to the American Cancer Society's Believe Boutique at WVCI, and got some free stuff!!  An awesome wig that I like, a turban (no jokes), a scarf, a neat cloth wrap thingy, it was sweet!  What a blessing they offer to people.  Then enjoyed a delicious lunch at Le Pearla with my mom, followed by my hair cut appointment.  I wanted to get a short do to help with the transition of losing my hair (expected in 2wks) I went to my normal hair dresser at Moss Hair Studio (shout out to Janae!) and so glad I did, she hooked me up with a stylish do, that everyone seems to love...I'll get to how I feel later.

All in all, today was a great day, but after I'm done writing this I'm going straight to sleep!

What I've learned.......through pictures! :)

1. Someone will receive my hair through Locks of Love, and that is pretty cool.  As my hair is taken away, at least I get to choose to give these two braids away. 

2.  So here I am, I feel more vulnerable at this state then I will when I'm bald (I think).  Ever since I was a little girl, my hair has been long-long-long, and it has always been admired.  My hair is something that I did hold onto vainly, and now it's short-short-short and I feel quite out of place.  It's a great style, they tell me my face "totally pulls it off" but it just doesn't feel like me--yet--by the time it grows on me, it'll be falling out.  So I will enjoy it, rock it, and love it while I can-long or short! On a side note, get a good look at it here, because tomorrow when I try to style it-who knows what it'll end up looking like ;)  Also, I like how my mom is in the background! 

3.  Facetime is not so flattering.  ha!  Ryan is out of town for the week on a business trip, so my big reveal was on Factime, which was highly disappointing!! The camera takes a way-too-close up,  it's blurry, the coloring is off and it made my nose look big. hehe.  Oh by the way, this was not the actual "big reveal" moment-don't worry!! I think I snapped this during an awkward moment ;) 

4.  This amazing bouquet arrived today from Ryan, to honor our anniversary!! And after three years, we could of never predicted the path we are walking on today.  But that's ok, and that is what keeps us trusting that our feet our guided by the light.  Like the flowers, we too hope to bring a sweet fragrance to those around us.  The florist hand picked each flower-knowing that when all combined, it would be a masterpiece; having many different flowers, each blossoming at different times.  All adding to the beauty of the arrangement, which we can not learn to appreciate until it is complete.  We are reaching up-yet our stems stay grounded-held together in a perfect foundation.   

Ok-that was a lot of metaphors-I hope you could keep up...It must be time for bed.

Thank Goodness It's Chemo-Day

Thankfully Dr. Lee was able to get me in for my first cycle of chemo today! I went in from 8-2:30, but from here on out my treatments should last about 4hours.  My treatment plan is 6 cycles of Taxel and Craboplatin, each cycle is 3 weeks (roughly 5months). As I understand it, week 1 is where I'll be sick, and then have 2 weeks of recovery before the next cycle starts.  I've been advised however, that the recovery time gets shorter with each cycle.

This morning as my dad drove there, he said "Today we start fighting" which got me 1. emotional and 2. thinking.  See  up until this point, I've been told of the stage 4 cancer in my body, but for the most part felt fine, and as I sat in the chair with the IV in my arm, I am trying to grasp on to fact that these drugs are running around my body-attacking the cancer.  It's like today the switch was flipped, and fighting means, to be healthy, I first must get sick....it's a strange thing.  I'll go through bad bad days (not trying to be pessimistic-just keeping it real)  and will I try to bend God's will, or accept it?  I'm looking forward to future blogs....honestly.....feel so blessed to be in good spirits and energy today, I feel I don't have much to share.

Quick lesson--How does chemotherapy work?
Answer: Affects cells that are rapidly dividing which includes cancer cells and some normal  healthy cells (White & Red blood cells) The goal is to kill as many cancer cells without causing too much toxicity to the normal healthy cells. 

The session went fine, the nurses were great, and I walked out of there feeling the same as when I walked in.  They informed me that Sunday is when I would start to experience the side-effects.  I'll start to loss my hair in 2-3 weeks, other common side-effects they informed me of was mouth sores, and a weird numbness/pins & needles feeling in my hands and feet, along with the normal "sickness" witch includes fatigue, nausea, and change in taste.

What I've learned....

1. Everyone, including me, processes this journey in my life differently, and I need to have grace for whatever stage they and myself are at.  As I too am in a process, that really has only begun.  Many more "stages" to go through over the coming months (yes-stay tuned for the roller coaster ;)

2. After treatment, sat around the couch for awhile....but realized I felt pretty good, so I cleaned the house!  Felt good to be productive :)

3. God has orchestrated this all from the beginning, I am constantly reminded of this.  What an amazing Lord we serve! I will praise you in this storm! Thank you for answered prayers!  Your will be done Lord, your timing is perfect Lord, I know you are using this to not only sharpen me, but those around me, which is humbling-I am your vessel Lord.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters" These are lyrics from my jam! Oceans, by Hillsong United.  If you haven't heard it....Google it!! You wont be disappointed, in fact you'll be uplifted and encouraged....because like the song says, Lord your grace abounds in deepest waters!!

As it may seem, I am in some deep waters, but Ryan and I have seen grace poured out aboundently upon us.  That is what this post is all about--YOU!! We both are beside ourselves from the blessing you have shown us.  We wanted to take the time to acknowledge everyone for their powerful and passionate prayers for my cancer and for our relationship.  The Lord is so good, and His grace is flowing through all of you!!  It is clear that Eugene is our home.   As Im writing this....it's not even a fraction of how good I want it to sound! I guess words can not express the love and support we have been generously given.

This is also a good time to say, that as I start treatment, this blog will be my way of connecting with you all.  Although I would love the time and energy to keep up with all the FB communication, emails, and phone calls, moving forward my amazing (and hot) husband Ryan will take over those types of communication.   I hope this does not discourage you form writing me, because I honestly find so much encourament from that, but rather a big "I wish I could respond to everyone"  Please know how grateful I am for you!!

An update on my lungs, they are healing, however I've had a weird cough/old man wheeze thing going on the last few days.  My blood clots are still there so legs hurt on and off.  I am taking afternoon naps when I need too. I do feel my body is changing...pains here and there....so I am ready to start this fight.  This Wednesday I'll be going to see Dr. Jae Lee at WVCI for my treatment plan, and hope to start next week!! I am feeling good about things, a peace and confidence....I cant explain it...but maybe this verse can.....

Phillippians 4:  4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

What I've learned....

1. My dogs are the  best! Byher and Miles want to cuddle with me all day long and they keep me warm :)

2.  Wig shopping/invesigating is way harder than I thought it would be! I mean, human hair? Remy? Heat ressistant? Blended? Synthetic?  Hand tied? Lace front? So many choices, what's a girl to do?! ;)

3. I love my Job, my co-workers and by boss.  They have been so understanding and flexible with me.  Again, another reason why The Lord had big plans for Ryan and Iright here in Eugene.

Well this escalated quickly!

I'm going to make this a short blog, as I myself am still processing the news and nothing will be confirmed/no plan will be finalized until I see Dr. Garrett (yeah!! She is the best, and I am confident with her as my Dr., she is a caring professional and person, I know I'm in good hands!)

Also, first off want to say how blessed I was the last few days to have my mom down here with us! She was able to attend the final meeting we had with Dr. Winter this afternoon.  He confirmed all the results I have already shared with you, as well as, the newest biopsy from my neck lymph node....it was positive for cancer. With that being the end of the line of  the lymph nodes, that means all the other lymph nodes that lite up are also cancer.  Dr. Winter expressed he hasn't seen Cervical Cancer act this aggressive before, which causes alarm.  This also mean that my treatment needs to be just as aggressive.   He explained the surgery (the hysterectomy) will be on hold....if we have it (need more clarification here)  But that the first priority is to get me going on my chemo and radiation treatments.

He said survival rate is based on how my body reacts to the chemo........................this is where it escalated quickly!!!  I don't know how this cancer thing all works....I'm assuming they say that to everyone who will go through chemo?!?!  But right there, in that moment, as those words fell out the Dr. month-my heart sank.  I don't know what I was expecting....given all the test results, I guess I still wasn't ready for a "survival rate" discussion.  

Right now, the next step is scheduling with Dr. Garrett to finalize treatment plan and get this thing going!!

Things I've learned.....

1. I am ready for the fight of my life-literally!

• Maybe all that I have gone through thus far in my life-have been to strengthen me for this moment.......wait...maybe...what am I talking about! Of course they have! 
•  God is in control, He has allowed me to suffer and therefore strengthen my faith and trust in Him to up to this point in my life!  God you are so good!! Thank you for preparing me for this battle, I won't back down and neither will you.  
• Maybe this got inspired by Ryan and I listening to "Praise you in the storm" from Casting Crowns  and  "Oceans" from Hillsong about 10x on the drive home

2.   A family for Ryan and I is attainable

• Remember in my previous post I said all those things about how I was "ready" to think of family in a different way...well...on the drive home that all came crashing down.  Overcome with heartbreak for a child I'll never have that is part Ryan and part me,  was met with the Lords whisper of "they may not have your features, but they will be yours"  I felt the Holy Spirit repeat that to me until my sobs turned into a calm acceptance.  Thank you Lord. 

Thank you everyone who takes time to read these ramblings :)

  

Strong Face! (The pink was a  fun coincidence)

The bright white oval in the middle is one of the tumors that showed up on the scan.