#tbt....How it all began

#tbt (Throw Back Thursday)   I started this blog months after I first heard the word cancer, so unless you are in my personal circle here in Eugene, you may not know how I came to this spot.  So, I thought I'd explain it from the beginning to get everyone caught up.  Also, an update from my 4th round thus far.


First- a current status of me.  The weekend following my infusion was the worst!! Felt like I'd been run over by a semi truck.  However, come Monday, I was feeling good....not just ok....but actually good!! I haven't felt this "normal" since my first round, Praise The Lord!! I'm not sure what is going on, but it's been wonderful to feel alive, have energy to do stuff in the evenings, and throw on more then jeans and a hoodie!  I'll have my PET scan June 2nd and get the results on the 5th for my next infusion.   BTW (By The Way for those of you in the older crowd) one thing I noticed is that life is going by fast, when you measure your life in 3 week increments,  it flys by!! I can't believe it'll be my 5th round already next week, whoohooo!

Ok, in a small town of Eugene, there once was a girl name Amanda, who went in for her annual exam.....hahaha. But really, I was at my gyno's for a birth control refill, when they noticed I hadn't had my annual in 2 years-yikes-so I made an apt. that day.  I went in as normal, and it was kind of funny because there happened to be an intern that day, observing everything.  When the Dr. was taking a sample, she had the intern take a look at things and say something under her breath.  I thought that was kind of weird, but didn't think anything of it.  A few days later, I got a call that I had abnormal pap results and that I'd need to come in for a further biopsy.  (This is March or so 2013) A few weeks later I was back in the office, where they took a larger sample.  I was a little nervous because I knew  I had HPV, so I was at risk, but didn't think it could really be anything.  Now it's April, and I'm on a work retreat and get a phone call that the results came back-they told me they found Cervical Cancer. Wow, my world dropped. I was glad to be surrounded by my co-workers and pastor-my friends, we spent the evening in worship and prayer, it was a special night.   But there was a lot to figure out....it took 3 weeks before I could get into see a oncologist, specializing in gyno.  Once that apt. came, I learned of the different options to take, but first they needed to know if the cancer had spread or not.   So a few more weeks later I was scheduled for a cone biopsy.  July 11th I had the procedure done and a week later meet with Dr. Garrett (who also did the surgery)  The cone biopsy was a success-the margins came back clear!! However, it got a little confusing when she said, something along the lines of "you don't have cancer"  and I was like...well that's not what the first Dr. said.....so what I specifically had was adenocarcinoma istu.  That last little word istu, is where it gets tricky.  I guess it's a big debate in the Dr. world about whether to consider this cancer or just pre-cancer cells.  I was told the istu kinda means, that it's cancer cells-but they are dumb-they are just sitting there and don't know how to grow.  Thus the confusion of why I was told it was cancer and also it wasn't cancer.

At that point, I was just glad the margins came back clear!! I was told, the surgery went great, there was no need to worry and to come back in 6 months (I'd have to have exams every 6months now) So the next time I saw Dr. Garrett was Jan. 27th.  I remember when I went in, I was nervous because now that I was aware of my body and cervical cancer more-I had noticed that I was having symptoms such as night sweats, more discharge and feeling tired more often.  (I was normally a morning person-but over the last months noticed it was really hard to get out of bed, but I just thought I was going through a phase) But as she was doing the exam-she said everything looked great.  A few days later, Ryan and I were out celebrating his new job at dinner when I got a call from Dr. Garrett-they found adenocarcinoma istu again!! She was shocked, being that visually she couldn't see anything, I was not so shocked....I just had a feeling there was something going on.   My next apt. was a week or so later-I had been doing a lot of online research about it and was prepared with questions.  Dr. Garrett was ready to do a full hysterectomy, (that is the standard procedure for my case) but I had asked about a Trachelectomy-so I could still bear children.  She thought I should pursue that option with a specialist in Portland-Dr. Winter.  A few more weeks later, I was in Dr. Winter's office, where we discussed that option, he also wanted to do an exam, and while doing so felt the need to take yet another biopsy-which made me a little nervous.  Because of what he saw during the exam, he wanted to have an MRI done, because he needed to see what was left of my cervix to even know if a Trachelectomy was possible.....and on almost a whim....he said "well, let's go ahead and have a PET scan too"  WOW that decision saved my life!!  Now A few more weeks had passed and I had both tests done, but my apt. wasn't until another week.    

This is about where I started my blog.... I had reported to Dr. Winter I was having pain in my leg. He had an ultra sound done, and found DVT's in both my legs.  He called me that evening to let me know my PET scan showed masses throughout my body, even in my neck.  Which is where he ordered to have the neck biopsy done.....and let the blog begin!!  Stage 4 Cervical Cancer in 6 months.  Both Dr. Winter and Dr. Garrett say they have never seen anything like it.

What I've learned....

1. Go to your Doctor!! Dont miss your check-ups-they could catch something at an early stage.
2.  Although I am redeemed, there are conquences from my past choices.  HPV is a serious growing epidemic in the US. Please be safe and know your choices can impact your life forever.
3. A big thanks for everyone who continues to send cards, bring meals, send gifts! They are fun surprises and encourage me more then you know!  Thank you also to everyone who is praying for my health, for Ryan & myself daily, this too, means so much and is appreciated more then I can express.

In the spirit of #ThrowBackThursday here are some photos....

#TBT Floating the Mckenzie River.  One of our favorite summer time activities.  This summer I'll have to rock 100SPF and some more clothes, but still looking forward to it!

#TBT when Ryan was in the hospital for 3 weeks! And we thought 2014 was going to bring us good health-ha ;)

#TBT Oregon coast day trips

#TBT 2008 Living in Walla Walla, having fun with selftimer

#TBT 2009 Intern's runite in Eugene

#TBT 2009 my FB profile pic & how Ryan fell in love with me ;)

#TBT 2009 When Ryan got baptized 

#TBT 2010 Bandon Beach-exploring caves for too long and the tide came in, we had to walk through tigh high water to get out!

#TBT 2010 I said Yes @ the Rodeo

#TBT 2011When we first brought Bryher home

Results....sort of.

1st: Thank you Lord for making lungs a natural filtration system.
I recently had a 4 day stay in the hospital after posting my last blog, one of my guardian angels suggested I call the doctor about some of my symptoms.  After the ER and then being admitted into the hospital it was discovered that the new blood thinner I was on, Pradaxa, had failed.  I now have multiple Pulmonary Embolism in both my lungs.  We decided to have an Inferior Vena Cava filter put in (sits in a major vein, below my belly bottom) to catch any new clots that try to travel.  Also, I'm back on Enxoparin (the very first injection blood thinner I was put on)  Hopefully that will take care of any new clots from forming, and the filter will catch any that do move, and the ones in my lungs will stay there until my body eats them up.  Which will takes a few months.  So in the mean time, my chest pains will come and go, and breathing is a task in itself.   Thankfully all my new clots got stuck in my lungs-not making it to any other part of my body that could be dangerous!!

2nd:  Thank you Lord for the good results yesterday, even though they were a little incomplete...they were still a good sign! Dr. Lee explained that the CT showed all the same "masses" that were there when I started Chemo.   First that means that no new masses have occurred and that my cancer has not spread!!! Which was a scary possibility seeming everything going on with my blood clots, and how aggressive it was to begin with.   There are two possibilities here, Dr. Lee said, either the chemo is keeping the cancer stable (not spreading but not dying either)  OR the cancer is dying however the masses are still there, almost a skeleton of where the active cancer used to be.  The only way to know what is happening is to get a PET scan, which I'll have right before my next infusion on June 5th.

A short and sweet update, I hope it leaves you encouraged, as I am grateful for this news, even if it's a little incomplete.  Not too much to report on after the 4th round as of now, expect major cramping and my chest is extremely tight making it hard to breath...making it hard to do normal tasks.

 Lounging on the couch with the pups keeping me warm

  Ryan & I have mastered the hospital bed cuddle

On Mother's Day, the day I got released!

Round Three

I'm home from work today as I think I have caught a little bug.....a cold bug, so rest and tea for me today!! I can tell it's my 3rd round, as my body is generally feeling weaker, whereas after my first round I bounced back pretty quickly.  After my infusion, the first 4-7 days are still filled with the most powerful side-effects.  For example, the bone pain this round was horrible, for three days it felt like every time I bent my leg (umm...which you do to walk, sit, pretty much at all times of the day your legs are bent!) so every time I would bend it, it felt like my knee cap was breaking.  This breaking sensation also moved to my heel several times.   I was glad when that finally subsided, but even now into  my 2nd week after infusion, I hurt.   At any given moment something in my body hurts, which in itself exhausting.  Lately it's been cramps, random "zings" of pain shooting down my arm or leg, muscle spasms in my back and especially my lung!! Each morning I have coughing attacks, where I continue to cough up blood (it's in the mucus) and now I've taken a picture to show the Dr. so he know exactly what is happening.  But talking, laughing, breathing has been more difficult the last few days, it seems to come in waves, sometimes I have to take a few deep breaths to get caught up and calm myself down before I can talk again.  Sigh.  That is also exhausting...but on the bright side, I'm getting a nice ab workout!

Also, I have not been sleeping well. I can fall asleep pretty quickly, but the problem is I wake up at some ridiculous hour of the morning and stay wide awake until Ryan's alarm goes off at 6:30.  I've used those annoying waking hours to pray, sing (in my head of course), think, but mostly just try to return to my sleeping.   I've also been having really bad night sweats too, waking up in a pool, changing cloths then trying to find a spot on bed that isn't soaked!  Which is interesting because I am constantly cold, brrrr, I'm sitting here with our heat pump @ 75 degrees and wrapped in a blanket!  Also, I should really start using the term "chemo-brain" because I've been having a lot more blonde moments lately-- but at least now I have a good excuse!! But really, I have noticed that focusing is a little harder, it's harder to multi-task, I'm forgetful and sometimes when I talk-the words just don't make sense!  Ha Ha, Oh, while I'm ranting and raving about the annoying side effects of cancer- specifically cervical cancer, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to have to worry about leaving spots on chairs, my pants, etc.  because of a possible leak...i'll leave it at that.  Ok, felt good to get that off my chest....sorry for the TMI, but sometimes cancer just sucks how it interferes with even the most simple things of life!

I'm really looking forward to my CT scan on Monday!  We'll finally get to see how much of the cancer has been killed!  {insert some really cool emoji's}   I'm also looking forward to this information because i'll find out what's next in big picture of my treatment plan. I'm assuming I'll get the results on Thursday the 15th when I have my next infusion and appointment with Dr. Lee.  I mean, I got a lot of summer plans, so need to know when I can get them on the calendar!!

This past weekend I was thankful my energy was up because my dear friend Amber came to visit from Minnesota.  It was great to get filled up and hear each other's hearts as we both find ourselves in the middle of storms.  It was a sweet time reconnect and know our friendship is one of those rare kinds that can transcend the miles and time that passes.  The Lord has us on two different journeys going through two different storms, but we hold strong to the promises and truth The Lord has given us,  which gives us a friendship that is grounded.  I am so grateful for meeting Amber 5 years ago, life would not be the same without her.  As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another-Proverbs 27:17



What I've learned...

1.  It's ok to say the word Die.
As I go through the weeks and rounds, I am always thinking and processing.  Part of the process, is to  have the awareness that cancer is serious, and could be fatal.  As I was talking to my good friend and pastor, he said something that made sense and was relieving.....it's ok to say the word die.  Sounds simple enough, but there is some weird taboo thing about saying the word, as if,  if I speak it- it will happen,  or if I talk about it- that must mean I have given up.   Neither of these are the case!! I am just at a spot in my own process where I realize that is a possible outcome and talking about it only means that I'm not letting the fear take control of me.  For I am not fearful of death, because I know I'll be with my Lord and Savior in heaven, what I am mournful of is those that I'll leave behind.   But, like I said, in no way do I think or feel like I am going to die anytime soon!!! The Lord has great plans for me here on Earth and I have a lot of love and life left to give. :)


2.  Proverbs 3:5-6
Before Ryan and I got married, as we picked out his wedding band, I secretly got something engraved on the inside to surprise him.  I wanted a verse that would be meaningful, not just the typical love verse, but one that would really be practical for all the years of our marriage, a verse that would speak to Ryan in the good times and bad times, some truth that Ryan could hold onto.   (no offense if you have a typical love verse engraved on your ring, they are great too, but I felt led in a different way)
After much searching I landed on Proverbs 3:5-6.  It's amazing how this verse seems to be played out in our life recently.  We are only at the tip of the iceberg in understanding the full meaning of this verse, but it's so exciting that He continues to speak to us it's power and truth.  I'm reading this book, and it happened to have a whole chapter breaking down this verse! It seems to be popping up everywhere lately.  Ah, I just love it when God is speaking to you so clearly! I'll go into it just a little what the book said.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in The Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight.

The book talked about how this is a "before-and-after" proverb.  "Certain things are to take place before-hand, which are our responsibility, so that afterward something might occur that is God's responsibility."   We are instructed to trust, lean and acknowledge Him, so then He can make our path straight.

"It was a wonderful day when I finally realized I don't have to explain or defend the 

will of God.  My job is simply to obey it." -Perfect Trust by Charles Swindoll

3. I love dates.
Going on dates with Ryan is always fun and memorable.  Not because of where we eat or event we went too, but because of our conversation.  When we get out of the house and into a different environment, something happens.....we actually talk!! Not just the small talk that'd we routinely have on the couch as we watch the news, but real talk!  Ryan opens up his heart & lets me in his head and I really get to know my amazing husband on a much deeper level, as he too listens to my heart too, we enter into a growing conversation, speaking to each other with love and understanding.   One of my favorite quotes, which we loosely got from our counselor is "To be vulnerable is to be known and to be known is to be loved"  We both value learning more about the other's heart and sometimes it's takes a date to do that!!

Here is super cool photo I took and edited.  

Hey-sometimes I get a little bored sitting around all the time, ok?! 

Amber, me &Emily at the coast (both from my WFR 2009 internship) 

Reunited and it feels so good! 

I planted these pretty flowers too

This is Bryher, he is crazy and stares at the ceiling ALL day waiting for a reflective light to show up so he can chase it.